Tips on not eating fruit

I can't stand bananas. I've mentioned this before ("They smell nasty, they taste nasty, they look ridiculous"). But I'm not alone in this. And there are other fruits that other people dislike just as much, if not more. So in a gesture of goodwill to my fellow homo-sapiens I have put together some useful tips for how to live a better life if you hate certain fruits.

A tip for someone who hates...

Kiwi Fruits: Avoid the no. 13 at the Juice Bar in The Shambles.

Pears: Try not to suck on Pear Drops or drink Perry.

Apples: Don't eat apples. Not even Cox's Orange Pippin.

Oranges: Go and see a psychiatrist. You're mental. Oranges, satsumas, clementines and their ilk are all gorgeous. You're a freak.

Raspberries: Don't eat raspberries.

Strawberries: Don't go to Wimbledon.

Pomegranates: Well, I can hardly blame you - they can be quite fiddly. But perservere. Go on. Try using one of those spiky things that you put in the end of corn-on-the-cob. See, easy! Nice!

Melons: Don't eat melons. Don't say melons. Don't dream about melons. Don't go to melon fairs. Don't go on melon-spotting trips to Cumbria. Don't marry a melon-farmer. Don't juggle small melons. Don't carve a face in a melon and pretend it's your best friend. Don't attempt to skim melons across a lake. Don't drop melons from a great height on to a hard floor. Don't advertise melons. And don't, under any circumstances, let an evil-hypnotist make you believe that you are a melon!

Bananas: JUST DON"T EAT BANANAS AND STOP F***ING MOANING CONSTANTLY ABOUT THEM. GROW UP, LOSER. IT'S JUST A FRUIT. MOVE ON.

I hope this is helpful.