Don't Panic!

The UK government has issued a little booklet to everyone in the country entitled "Preparing for emergencies - What you need to know". It tells you what to do in an emergency, and includes what to do if there's a fire, a bomb threat, chemical/biological attack or others. Also includes advice on first aid and helping to prevent a terrorist attack.

Everything in the booklet is very sensible, but it's all so utterly obvious that I wonder who it is aimed at. Anyone with the smallest modicum of common sense would do everything in it automatically.

On Fire Prevention:
- Reduce fire hazards in your home. No campfires in the living room!
- If there is a fire, get out and call 999. As opposed to staying in bed cos it's nice and warm. Warmer than usual...

Basic First Aid:
- It pretty much says that if you know first aid use it, otherwise call an ambulance. No shit. I always prefer to administer random herbs to people. Also pizza normally makes me feel better, so I think that could be used as a solution for most injuries and illnesses. Apart from if you feel sick from having eaten too much pizza, obviously.

On how to spot terrorists:
- Terrorists need a place to live. So that rules out the homeless then.
- Terrorists need money, and may return goods for large cash refunds. Most multinational terrorist organisations are funded by their members returning vacuum cleaners to Argos.
- Terrorists need equipment - look out for people buying suspicious things. Like a bulk order of 20 expensive vacuum cleaners from Argos on a stolen card?

I can see the next series of 24 now: Terrorists are planning to crash The Moon into Los Angeles. CTU have no idea who is responsible so they send Jack Bauer undercover to work for a large electrical goods seller. By the third hour he has only sold 2 televisions and a washing machine, and is no closer to preventing the forthcoming attack. By the fourteenth hour he is dead on his feet, but has sold a further 4 televisions and a couple of vacuum cleaners. 2 hours earlier an old woman returned a video recorder for a £100 refund. Jack arrested her immediately but later had to let her go as the post office was going to close in a few minutes and she had to collect her pension. And etc.

Now maybe I am just too cynical, and I guess there is some good advice in the booklet, and there isn't actually too much to take the piss out of, but it's all just so banal. They could probably have spent the money much more usefully by erecting huge flashing signs in every town saying "Don't Panic!". Still the best advice for an emergency. Apart from possibly "make sure you've charged your phone", which the booklet neglects to mention.