I went into town this afternoon to purchase a bottle of American wine (This did lead to me having a temporary mental block trying to remember whether Uruguay was in South America or not - I worked it out in the end). I bought some wine. And upgraded my phone.
On the way home, at the end of Lendel, there were two homeless guys sitting exactly opposite each other, on either side of the street. They appeared to be doing nothing apart from staring at each other. It was raining quite a lot. I'm not sure if this is normal behaviour for down and outs. I was half expecting an alarm to go off as I passed through the invisible beam linking their eyes. But an alarm did not go off.
It is possible that they were in fact performance artists and that I, for a brief period have participated in a piece of art today.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
A review of a gig what I went to last night (4)
Four Day Hombre at Fibbers. First few songs ok but a bit generic, but after that they became quite special. I bought some badges. V short review today I'm afraid, as I have things to do.
Last night in Fibbers, there were at least:
2 Actuaries;
2 Acturaial trainees (for half the main band)
This means that the AR(SE) table is looking as follows:
3.5: Easyworld / Snow Patrol
2.5 Four Day Hombre
2.0: Delays / Athlete
Next up is currently Snow Patrol over in..... Leeds!
Last night in Fibbers, there were at least:
2 Actuaries;
2 Acturaial trainees (for half the main band)
This means that the AR(SE) table is looking as follows:
3.5: Easyworld / Snow Patrol
2.5 Four Day Hombre
2.0: Delays / Athlete
Next up is currently Snow Patrol over in..... Leeds!
Friday, January 30, 2004
I'm lazy
Some of you must have some free time from time to time. Here's a fun thing to do. Download Mozilla, and work out why my blog does not display as it should do. Then email/comment me the fix. Repeat with Opera. Repeat with any other stupid obscure browser you can think of. This will give me several extra hours in bed and make me happy.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thursday, January 29, 2004
The Chinese Should Play KerPlunk Instead
I appear to have wasted several hours of my life playing Mah Jongghhh tonight. These are hours I will not get back. It was not the normal solo game we all know and have tired of. This was a multiplayer mayhem version featuring real plastic tiles and real people. And rules that mysteriously change from game to game depending on the whim of the "East Wind". Four walls round the centre which fall slowly into three, two, one wall. Someone wins. Why? Because they have said "Kung" before some other person. Or something. Maybe I am missing the point.
On a plus point, the ice has now mostly gone to an easily walkable on state, so the risk of slippy-slippy-ow-ow is now minimised.
On a plus point, the ice has now mostly gone to an easily walkable on state, so the risk of slippy-slippy-ow-ow is now minimised.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles
Thought you might all enjoy another poem this evening. This one's called "My Tablecloth".
My Tablecloth
The pattern of my tablecloth reminds me of Scarborough,
East coastal graveyard.
The colour of my tablecloth reminds me of Skegness,
Dark dank hole.
The corners of my tablecloth remind me of Rhyll,
Lost land of the lonely.
The creases in my tablecloth remind me of Bournemouth,
Where the pain never ends.
The edge of my tablecloth reminds me of Blackpool,
Everyone playing dead.
The smell of my tablecloth reminds me of Yarmouth,
Catastrophe in waiting.
The size of my tablecoth reminds me of Weston-Super-Mare,
No one has a future.
The price tag hanging off the tablecloth reminds me I'm still in Asda,
and probably should stop reminiscing and get to the counter to pay.
My Tablecloth
The pattern of my tablecloth reminds me of Scarborough,
East coastal graveyard.
The colour of my tablecloth reminds me of Skegness,
Dark dank hole.
The corners of my tablecloth remind me of Rhyll,
Lost land of the lonely.
The creases in my tablecloth remind me of Bournemouth,
Where the pain never ends.
The edge of my tablecloth reminds me of Blackpool,
Everyone playing dead.
The smell of my tablecloth reminds me of Yarmouth,
Catastrophe in waiting.
The size of my tablecoth reminds me of Weston-Super-Mare,
No one has a future.
The price tag hanging off the tablecloth reminds me I'm still in Asda,
and probably should stop reminiscing and get to the counter to pay.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
See you at the crossroads...
Now this is interesting. At the beginning of March, Badly Drawn Boy, Spiritualized and Blazin' Squad (!) are all playing at Fibbers, here in little old York. The catch is, no tickets are on sale, and you have to win a pair lottery style. Details can be found at the Passport website. I'm hoping to get to see BDB - fingers crossed! It's £1.50 per entry, so this could get expensive...
Spiritualized could be good, but I have seen them before and like I've said before, they played way too long and my feet hurt. But if anyone else wants to have a go and then take me with them I'd be happy to come along!
Spiritualized could be good, but I have seen them before and like I've said before, they played way too long and my feet hurt. But if anyone else wants to have a go and then take me with them I'd be happy to come along!
Monday, January 26, 2004
The first time I saw Snow Patrol
The first time I saw Snow Patrol was on June 07, 1999. Supporting Travis at Norwich Waterfront. Just in case you're interested.
A review of a gig what I went to tonight (3)
This evening - Weevil, Snow Patrol, Athlete. In that order.
Weevil: Really scary drummer: Bald head, big ginger beard, big headphones. Songs were a bit samey, but they sounded like they could be quite good on record. Two singers who may or may not have been brothers - they had different hair, but both wore glasses. Like The Proclaimers.
Snow Patrol - always fabulous. Would have been nice to have more than half an hour, and a few older songs, but one doesn't always get what one wants.
Athlete: Wasn't expecting much, as I haven't been a huge fan of the record. but I actually quite enjoyed them. Certainly I enjoyed them more than some of my friends who left halfway through.
Tonight in The Barbican, there were at least:
2 Actuaries;
3 Acturaial trainees
This means that the AR(SE) table is looking as follows:
3.5: Easyworld / Snow Patrol
2.0: Delays / Athlete
I've knocked marks off Athlete for 1 actuary and 1 trainee leaving. So it's tied at the top. And tied at the bottom. Next up, Four Day Hombre on Friday.
Weevil: Really scary drummer: Bald head, big ginger beard, big headphones. Songs were a bit samey, but they sounded like they could be quite good on record. Two singers who may or may not have been brothers - they had different hair, but both wore glasses. Like The Proclaimers.
Snow Patrol - always fabulous. Would have been nice to have more than half an hour, and a few older songs, but one doesn't always get what one wants.
Athlete: Wasn't expecting much, as I haven't been a huge fan of the record. but I actually quite enjoyed them. Certainly I enjoyed them more than some of my friends who left halfway through.
Tonight in The Barbican, there were at least:
2 Actuaries;
3 Acturaial trainees
This means that the AR(SE) table is looking as follows:
3.5: Easyworld / Snow Patrol
2.0: Delays / Athlete
I've knocked marks off Athlete for 1 actuary and 1 trainee leaving. So it's tied at the top. And tied at the bottom. Next up, Four Day Hombre on Friday.
Is it safe?
Despite the title, this is not an entry about Marathon Man (or dentistry in general).
As I walked home from work this evening, it began to rain. Cold nasty rain. I was listening to some tunes on headphones and I got to thinking about how safe this is. I have always been taught not to mix electricity with water because it is dangerous and you get electroculuted. Come to think of it, this was mostly taught in physics lessons. My French Teacher avoided the subject, or at least I assume he did. Couldn't understand what he was saying half the time.
So anyway, is it safe to wear headphones in the rain? They clearly contain some electricity, and rain clearly contains some water, and there has to be potential for the two to mix in my ear. This could lead to electrical fires and a probable headache. And I don't want a headache. If anyone knows an answer, I'd be delighted to hear from you. In the meantime I shall stick to leaving them on in light rain and removing them in heavy rain. Medium rain I shall leave to my whimsy at the time.
For reference, here are the electrical things and wet things that I know definitely should never ever ever be mixed:
1. Toaster and a hot bubble bath
2. Electric bedside light and a hot bubble bath
3. Hairdryer and a hot bubble bath
Everything else is probably ok. Play safely!
As I walked home from work this evening, it began to rain. Cold nasty rain. I was listening to some tunes on headphones and I got to thinking about how safe this is. I have always been taught not to mix electricity with water because it is dangerous and you get electroculuted. Come to think of it, this was mostly taught in physics lessons. My French Teacher avoided the subject, or at least I assume he did. Couldn't understand what he was saying half the time.
So anyway, is it safe to wear headphones in the rain? They clearly contain some electricity, and rain clearly contains some water, and there has to be potential for the two to mix in my ear. This could lead to electrical fires and a probable headache. And I don't want a headache. If anyone knows an answer, I'd be delighted to hear from you. In the meantime I shall stick to leaving them on in light rain and removing them in heavy rain. Medium rain I shall leave to my whimsy at the time.
For reference, here are the electrical things and wet things that I know definitely should never ever ever be mixed:
1. Toaster and a hot bubble bath
2. Electric bedside light and a hot bubble bath
3. Hairdryer and a hot bubble bath
Everything else is probably ok. Play safely!
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Erratic Walking
I've been out into the Dales this morning, for a walk. There are some (apparently) world renowned stones there called The Erratics which are essentially huge lumps of granite upon limestone plinths, formed naturally by a combination of glaciers and erosion. Probably quite interesting if you are a geologist. The unanimous favourite was "the one that's like a big mushroom".
We stopped for lunch in a pub on the way back and seemed to accidentally gatecrash the annual dinner of the Nelson Wheelers cycling club. These seem to be a bunch of weirdos who like wearing lycra. The really strange thing was that all the men looked exactly the same as each other, but slightly different ages. It was incredible that they knew who to give the trophies to. We sat in silence as their leaders went through some interminably dull speeches. And they sat very inconsiderately. They had two women who looked like they were chewing lemons who were just kind of hogging part of our table, as if they owned the place. Possibly they did.
And then we went home.
Listening to the top 40 at the moment - Easyworld in with a bullet at 27 - probably their highest ever chart position. Great song (even with the naughty word removed). Watch the video on their website.
We stopped for lunch in a pub on the way back and seemed to accidentally gatecrash the annual dinner of the Nelson Wheelers cycling club. These seem to be a bunch of weirdos who like wearing lycra. The really strange thing was that all the men looked exactly the same as each other, but slightly different ages. It was incredible that they knew who to give the trophies to. We sat in silence as their leaders went through some interminably dull speeches. And they sat very inconsiderately. They had two women who looked like they were chewing lemons who were just kind of hogging part of our table, as if they owned the place. Possibly they did.
And then we went home.
Listening to the top 40 at the moment - Easyworld in with a bullet at 27 - probably their highest ever chart position. Great song (even with the naughty word removed). Watch the video on their website.
Am I Wry? No
Off walking again this morning - so far, no snow, so good. Thought I might take my camera and finish off the film, but this plan is flawed. The film that is in there has been in for well over a year now, but I haven't taken any photos for ages - I've been semi reluctant to finish off the film as I thought some of the pics from 2002 might bring me down a bit, dealing as they do with people passed. On the other hand, it is sometimes useful to have a camera and I can't just keep an old film in it for ever.
When I turned on the camera this morning, the battery was dead. So that decided that one.
When I turned on the camera this morning, the battery was dead. So that decided that one.
Moved House
The keen eyed amongst you will have spotted that this blog has now moved to to a new home. My intention is that the old place, yorkactuary will be an actual useful repository of york actuary stuff. And if I ever get round to sorting out that dining club... This new place is essentially just like the old place. And if anyone can think of a better URL for me, please share!
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Snip Snip Snip
I went to the haircutters this morning for a haircut. When I say "morning", it was shortly after I got up, so I think it must count as morning regardless of the actual time (approx 12.50pm). The thing I don't much like about the haircutting profession is that they try and talk to you. Maybe some people like this, but I don't much. I am of the opinion that if I am paying somebody eight pounds to do a job, they should do that job and nothing more. They should concentrate on the important thing: Making my hair look great.
Today Mr Haircutter asked if I had anything planned for the day, to which I responded that I didn't have much on, and was just going to Sainsburys. I did not really need to know that Sainsburys is Mr Haircutter's favourite supermarket, that he doesn't like Asda much because it is busy and that he used to live near Sainsburys and now he doesn't but he still goes and gets a taxi home etc etc. This knowledge has not enhanced my day.
It's also annoying if the "conversation" ever gets round to what I do for a living - Haircutters have in my experience no idea what an actuary is or does. And I'm always really bad at explaining it. I can't just whip out the card from my wallet, because my arms are constrained by the snip-shawl they put round me. Maybe this problem, at least, is something I should just deal with on my own.
I don't generally give tips to haircutters (ie "Use sharp scissors" -*ahem*-) but on some past occasions if I have found a particularly quiet hairdcutter I have sometimes given them an extra pound. I don't tell them why.
Taxi drivers are as bad, but I'll save them for another day.
Staying on the subject of hair, isn't it about time that somebody invented a small, not too powerful vacuum cleaner that could be used to remove all the small unatatched bits of hair that are the inevitable consequence of haircutting? I am aware that a shower at home can do this for me, but there has to be a gap in the market for a product like this. If you're reading this Mr Dyson, I'd be happy to work on a collaborative project with you - we could call it Super Mini Sucky Hair. This time next year we'll be millionaires.
Today Mr Haircutter asked if I had anything planned for the day, to which I responded that I didn't have much on, and was just going to Sainsburys. I did not really need to know that Sainsburys is Mr Haircutter's favourite supermarket, that he doesn't like Asda much because it is busy and that he used to live near Sainsburys and now he doesn't but he still goes and gets a taxi home etc etc. This knowledge has not enhanced my day.
It's also annoying if the "conversation" ever gets round to what I do for a living - Haircutters have in my experience no idea what an actuary is or does. And I'm always really bad at explaining it. I can't just whip out the card from my wallet, because my arms are constrained by the snip-shawl they put round me. Maybe this problem, at least, is something I should just deal with on my own.
I don't generally give tips to haircutters (ie "Use sharp scissors" -*ahem*-) but on some past occasions if I have found a particularly quiet hairdcutter I have sometimes given them an extra pound. I don't tell them why.
Taxi drivers are as bad, but I'll save them for another day.
Staying on the subject of hair, isn't it about time that somebody invented a small, not too powerful vacuum cleaner that could be used to remove all the small unatatched bits of hair that are the inevitable consequence of haircutting? I am aware that a shower at home can do this for me, but there has to be a gap in the market for a product like this. If you're reading this Mr Dyson, I'd be happy to work on a collaborative project with you - we could call it Super Mini Sucky Hair. This time next year we'll be millionaires.
Friday, January 23, 2004
quiet bit then LOUD BIT
Last night I dreamt I was listening to Wogan on Radio 2. Wogan played a track by Mogwai (off "Happy Songs for Happy People" I think). Even in the dream I thought this was a bit strange. Wogan said he enjoyed listening to Mogwai from time to time.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
We're S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G, We're Shopping
Lint: Hello Mr Brand New Argos Catalogue. Wow, you are all green and thicker than ever. I bet you've now got voice recognition hardware in you so I can just say what I want and you'll open to the correct page.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: Aw, you're shy. I'll try anyway: Camcorders.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: Hmmm, clearly out of camcorders. How about: Diamond Rings.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: Maybe I need the special jewellery add-on to get that to work… Ok – an easy one for you: Elephants.
Argos Catalogue: [slightly sulky silence]
Lint: Sorry, I was being silly there. Of course you can’t buy elephants at Argos. I have to go to Index for elephants. Ok Mr Catalogue – last chance: Sofas.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: You are a bad catalogue – or potentially just bad technology inserted into a perfectly good old-fashioned paper catalogue. I shall return you henceforth to the store from which thou came.
Argos Catalogue: Oh shut up and leave me alone you stupid lunatic.
Lint: Ooooooh, you bitch.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: Aw, you're shy. I'll try anyway: Camcorders.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: Hmmm, clearly out of camcorders. How about: Diamond Rings.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: Maybe I need the special jewellery add-on to get that to work… Ok – an easy one for you: Elephants.
Argos Catalogue: [slightly sulky silence]
Lint: Sorry, I was being silly there. Of course you can’t buy elephants at Argos. I have to go to Index for elephants. Ok Mr Catalogue – last chance: Sofas.
Argos Catalogue: [silence]
Lint: You are a bad catalogue – or potentially just bad technology inserted into a perfectly good old-fashioned paper catalogue. I shall return you henceforth to the store from which thou came.
Argos Catalogue: Oh shut up and leave me alone you stupid lunatic.
Lint: Ooooooh, you bitch.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Tonight, I am not The Iron
A list for Wednesday
1. Two new Four Day Hombre songs available to download from their website.
2. Spent an hour last night trying to amend my blog design slightly. Got it working eventually, but I'm not sure if I like it better.
3. New weekly mens mags: "Zoo Weekly" and "Nuts" are both Really Bad names. What’s wrong with “Men’s Weekly” or “Just for Men”?
4. I miss China Drum.
5. The new Spiritualised album (Complete works vol 2) has the song "Do it all over again" on it. Twice. Heh Heh.
6. I don't actually like Spiritualised that much any more. Their gig was too long.
7. What is Sauron's problem?
8. I hope the binmen come tomorrow.
9. I like lists.
10. I own two pairs of trousers that I have never worn.
11. Why stop at 10?
12. Little Britain has finished now. Sometimes I like to imagine that Tom Baker provides narration for my day to day life.
13. For better television…
14. One of the lights in my hob hood has gone now. I’ll change it once I can work out how to get the cover off…
15. I was in a bad mood for most of today, but my staff told me I looked really happy.
16. Who knows what goes on in her pretty little head?
17. Tonight, I am also not The Steamboat.
1. Two new Four Day Hombre songs available to download from their website.
2. Spent an hour last night trying to amend my blog design slightly. Got it working eventually, but I'm not sure if I like it better.
3. New weekly mens mags: "Zoo Weekly" and "Nuts" are both Really Bad names. What’s wrong with “Men’s Weekly” or “Just for Men”?
4. I miss China Drum.
5. The new Spiritualised album (Complete works vol 2) has the song "Do it all over again" on it. Twice. Heh Heh.
6. I don't actually like Spiritualised that much any more. Their gig was too long.
7. What is Sauron's problem?
8. I hope the binmen come tomorrow.
9. I like lists.
10. I own two pairs of trousers that I have never worn.
11. Why stop at 10?
12. Little Britain has finished now. Sometimes I like to imagine that Tom Baker provides narration for my day to day life.
13. For better television…
14. One of the lights in my hob hood has gone now. I’ll change it once I can work out how to get the cover off…
15. I was in a bad mood for most of today, but my staff told me I looked really happy.
16. Who knows what goes on in her pretty little head?
17. Tonight, I am also not The Steamboat.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Another night in
Bit bored this evening. I've had my dinner (the potatoes were lovely, Joe, thanks for asking. Happy birthday) and am now trying to decide on something either useful or fun to do. Both useful and fun would be good, but I can't see that happening.
Might just go to bed and read my book until sleepytime.
Might just go to bed and read my book until sleepytime.
Monday, January 19, 2004
Just Like '66
Tonight was a spectacular performance for the Spinach team in the pub quiz. Not only did Spinach get first place (winning myself 3 cans of Carling Black label and approx £3.20 cash), but the losers who deserted our team to set up a team of contenders managed to come second overall. Blinding performance all round, well done everyone.
The only thing in recent history that I think compares to this was in the 1966 soccer world cup. England then were doing so well that we'd arranged for a World war a few decades previously. During this war we infiltrated West Germany (as it later became known) and arranged for our best 1940s footballers to impregnate the German ladies. The resulting embryos became embryonic footballers who matured at just the right time to become the World Cup West German Team (WCWGT) - little did the majority of Germany know that in the final both teams had loyalty to England. It was not surprising then, when the Boys from Swindon did good, and the Germs were vanquished, just as they had been after the discovery of penicillin.
Tonight was so similar that I defy anyone, nay anyone, to tell me that history does not repeat itself over and over anon.
The only thing in recent history that I think compares to this was in the 1966 soccer world cup. England then were doing so well that we'd arranged for a World war a few decades previously. During this war we infiltrated West Germany (as it later became known) and arranged for our best 1940s footballers to impregnate the German ladies. The resulting embryos became embryonic footballers who matured at just the right time to become the World Cup West German Team (WCWGT) - little did the majority of Germany know that in the final both teams had loyalty to England. It was not surprising then, when the Boys from Swindon did good, and the Germs were vanquished, just as they had been after the discovery of penicillin.
Tonight was so similar that I defy anyone, nay anyone, to tell me that history does not repeat itself over and over anon.
The Fourth Monkey
There were originally four wise monkeys, but the fourth one buggered off when the first three started covering facial orifices. He now has a sucessful career in Las Vegas, where he works as a croupier.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Dude, Where's My Big Worm?
I've watched two films this evening, and I think it's fair to say that both are classics of modern cinema. "Tremors 2: Aftershocks" and "Dude, Where's My Car?" *. Here come the reviews:
Tremors 2: Aftershocks
Big worms. Smaller chicken/worm things. Big guns, and TNT. No Kevin Bacon. But Fred Ward is back. The film is a lot more entertaining than it has any right to be. ***
Dude, Where's My Car?
Wasn't execting much from this, dude, but it's kinda funny. Sweet. ***
Excellent film reviewing there. I watched the second film as it was broadcast live on telly. I can’t actually remember the last time I did that. There were only two commercial breaks in it.
In other news, I have done some more cooking today, this time branching away from peas and into the more adventurous realm of mange tout. I possibly didn't need to eat the whole half kilo of pork chops, but I guess a bit of it was bone (which I didn’t eat). Tasty. I fried them with some onions.
* Coincidentally, both films feature ostriches.
*** These aren't stars to indicate a footnote, they are ratings out of five.
Tremors 2: Aftershocks
Big worms. Smaller chicken/worm things. Big guns, and TNT. No Kevin Bacon. But Fred Ward is back. The film is a lot more entertaining than it has any right to be. ***
Dude, Where's My Car?
Wasn't execting much from this, dude, but it's kinda funny. Sweet. ***
Excellent film reviewing there. I watched the second film as it was broadcast live on telly. I can’t actually remember the last time I did that. There were only two commercial breaks in it.
In other news, I have done some more cooking today, this time branching away from peas and into the more adventurous realm of mange tout. I possibly didn't need to eat the whole half kilo of pork chops, but I guess a bit of it was bone (which I didn’t eat). Tasty. I fried them with some onions.
* Coincidentally, both films feature ostriches.
*** These aren't stars to indicate a footnote, they are ratings out of five.
A Musical Chain
"Meditation of the mountain oyster" is a song on the Terre Thaemlitz album, "Tranquilizer".
"Tranquilizer" is a song on the Geneva album, "Further".
"Further" is a song on the Longview album, "Mercury".
"Mercury" is a song on the Lowgold album, "Just backwards of square".
Not a great length Chain. Must try harder, D+.
"Tranquilizer" is a song on the Geneva album, "Further".
"Further" is a song on the Longview album, "Mercury".
"Mercury" is a song on the Lowgold album, "Just backwards of square".
Not a great length Chain. Must try harder, D+.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Parcels Are Like Buses
I ordered some CDs and a book from Amazon a couple of weeks ago. Two of the CDs turned out to be out of stock, so they sent the rest separately. A nice man called Chris has been attempting to deliver the first package to me all week, but I have been at work so he has had little success. I phoned him this morning once I'd crawled out of bed, and he brought the parcel round at lunchtime. I then checked my mailbox, and the other two CDs had arrived this morning. So it all came at once after all! Amazing.
Have you seen her?
I'm not sure that I know who she is or if she knows who she is, but she is someone, with a degree of certainitude. My message to her is "Hi! Hope we meet up". Please pass it on if you see her.
Friday, January 16, 2004
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Razor Blades
Rant time. There was a time, not so long ago when if a man wanted to shave his face free from hair, he would go down to his local supermarket and purchase some razor blades. Said razor blades would have a sharpened piece of metal which when pressed close to said hair would remove said hair from said face. This was a method which worked, as evinced by films from the past where people were clean shaven.
But this was clearly not good enough for some people. Little men (probably bearded) in secret razor laboratories decided to add a second blade. To give a shave which was twice as close. Genius! Well that that was alright for a while, but soon the razor bosses wanted more! Other companies had copied the two blade super razor. “How can we get ahead?” cried the razor company leaders? “How about… adding another blade and charging more?” say the bearded boffins in a strange voice. And they did, and the Gillette Mach 3 was born, and rapidly became the most shoplifted item in the world (true!). Ludicrous!
And so the cycle continues… Wilkinson Sword have created a four blade razor. Count ‘em: One blade… two blades… three blades… four blades. A magic four blade razor. “With 4 precisely synchronised blades, nothing shaves closer or smoother” they say.
Let's cut to the chase here: A razor does not need four blades. Adding a fourth blade, Mr Wilkinson Sword, only implies that your first three blades are rubbish. If blades 1 to 3 were any good, blade 4 would be utterly redundant. This is not rocket science. Multiple levels of redundancy are not needed in a razor. It’s not like a plane where if engines 1, 3 and 4 all fail, engine 2 will still be there to effect a safe landing. What does the fourth blade do? Does it contain special mini magnets that attract the ends of your hair? Is it made of a special newly discovered metallic element that is extra sharp? Can it feed the starving? Can it heal the sick? No! It’s just a strip of standard sharp metal, just like the other three.
And then they go and put strange little bars over the blades to stop them getting too close to your face! Maybe I’m getting old, but I Just. Don’t. See. The. Point.
Surely this has to be the final end for adding blades? Five would be utterly ridiculous. Six, inconceivable. Seven or more, the stuff of myths and legends. I now await being proved wrong.
I’ll stick to my Mach 3s, thank you.
But this was clearly not good enough for some people. Little men (probably bearded) in secret razor laboratories decided to add a second blade. To give a shave which was twice as close. Genius! Well that that was alright for a while, but soon the razor bosses wanted more! Other companies had copied the two blade super razor. “How can we get ahead?” cried the razor company leaders? “How about… adding another blade and charging more?” say the bearded boffins in a strange voice. And they did, and the Gillette Mach 3 was born, and rapidly became the most shoplifted item in the world (true!). Ludicrous!
And so the cycle continues… Wilkinson Sword have created a four blade razor. Count ‘em: One blade… two blades… three blades… four blades. A magic four blade razor. “With 4 precisely synchronised blades, nothing shaves closer or smoother” they say.
Let's cut to the chase here: A razor does not need four blades. Adding a fourth blade, Mr Wilkinson Sword, only implies that your first three blades are rubbish. If blades 1 to 3 were any good, blade 4 would be utterly redundant. This is not rocket science. Multiple levels of redundancy are not needed in a razor. It’s not like a plane where if engines 1, 3 and 4 all fail, engine 2 will still be there to effect a safe landing. What does the fourth blade do? Does it contain special mini magnets that attract the ends of your hair? Is it made of a special newly discovered metallic element that is extra sharp? Can it feed the starving? Can it heal the sick? No! It’s just a strip of standard sharp metal, just like the other three.
And then they go and put strange little bars over the blades to stop them getting too close to your face! Maybe I’m getting old, but I Just. Don’t. See. The. Point.
Surely this has to be the final end for adding blades? Five would be utterly ridiculous. Six, inconceivable. Seven or more, the stuff of myths and legends. I now await being proved wrong.
I’ll stick to my Mach 3s, thank you.
It's a godawful small affair...
It had to happen eventually. Maybe “had” is the wrong word… “could”? Anyway, it has, What has? I’ll tell you. Dubya has finally done something I agree with: We are going back to The Moon. And maybe Beyond…
It’s been a ridiculous amount of years since man was last on our orbiting body. How off Earth are we ever going to colonise the galaxy if we can’t be bothered to get off the planet? True, sometimes I have days when I can’t be bothered to leave the flat (or even get out of bed), but at the moment I’m not responsible for the future of the whole Human species so it’s not that important. Given the opportunity I’d love to go to The Moon. I’d do anything to travel to Mars.
Maybe I’ve just been reading too many Boy’s Own comics, but what could be better than getting the chance to travel through space to another friggin’ planet?
My campaign therefore starts here. Most manned spaceflights so far have been manned by so called “scientists” and “pilots”, “women” and “monkeys”. Isn’t it about time we sent an “actuary” into space? I volunteer to be that actuary. I’m well aware that I have no experience so far in the field of space travel, but that didn’t stop Yuri Gagarin or Flash Gordon. The Moon flight isn’t scheduled until 2015 so I’ll have plenty of time to train.
I’ll do the fitness regime. I’ll do the engineering courses. I’ll learn how to work the scientific apparatus. I’ll do the Zero G training. I’ll practice wearing a goldfish bowl on my head. I’ll only eat dehydrated foods. I’ll go without the love of a good woman. I’ll learn how to defacate into a plastic bag, and then knead in special chemicals to kill the bacteria (they really had to do that in Apollo!). I’ll move to Florida. Just get me on that mission…
If like me, you want me to be on that mission to the heavens, call NASA now. Persuade them they need an actuary in space. Nowhere in this universe is it more important to make financial sense of the future than on our nearest Heavenly Bodies. I’m up for the challenge. See you on Mars in 2030.
It’s been a ridiculous amount of years since man was last on our orbiting body. How off Earth are we ever going to colonise the galaxy if we can’t be bothered to get off the planet? True, sometimes I have days when I can’t be bothered to leave the flat (or even get out of bed), but at the moment I’m not responsible for the future of the whole Human species so it’s not that important. Given the opportunity I’d love to go to The Moon. I’d do anything to travel to Mars.
Maybe I’ve just been reading too many Boy’s Own comics, but what could be better than getting the chance to travel through space to another friggin’ planet?
My campaign therefore starts here. Most manned spaceflights so far have been manned by so called “scientists” and “pilots”, “women” and “monkeys”. Isn’t it about time we sent an “actuary” into space? I volunteer to be that actuary. I’m well aware that I have no experience so far in the field of space travel, but that didn’t stop Yuri Gagarin or Flash Gordon. The Moon flight isn’t scheduled until 2015 so I’ll have plenty of time to train.
I’ll do the fitness regime. I’ll do the engineering courses. I’ll learn how to work the scientific apparatus. I’ll do the Zero G training. I’ll practice wearing a goldfish bowl on my head. I’ll only eat dehydrated foods. I’ll go without the love of a good woman. I’ll learn how to defacate into a plastic bag, and then knead in special chemicals to kill the bacteria (they really had to do that in Apollo!). I’ll move to Florida. Just get me on that mission…
If like me, you want me to be on that mission to the heavens, call NASA now. Persuade them they need an actuary in space. Nowhere in this universe is it more important to make financial sense of the future than on our nearest Heavenly Bodies. I’m up for the challenge. See you on Mars in 2030.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
A review of a gig what I went to tonight (2)
Delays, York Fibbers
Another good set from Delays. It was strangely busy, busier than Sunday by a large way. Strange Jacket Dancing Boy was there again, but in a slightly less stupid jacket. Songs I knew all sounded great, especially "Hey, Girl" (you gotta love songs that start with the chorus - anyone think of some other expamples?). And I got two free badges. Which I think takes me up to 5 Delays badges in total, but I gave one to Chris, so I am at most at 4 (since some of the last lot were turned into BMJJ badges, and I gave some of those away). I could just check the badge mug and count... Can't be arsed.
First support was from The Stanleys. They have one of those Scousers with Short to Medium curly hair, whose mouth appears permanently open. I think The Bandits have one too, but he has a hat.
Tonight in Fibbers, there were at least:
2 Actuaries;
0 Acturaial trainees
This means that the AR(SE) table is looking as follows:
3.5: Easyworld
2.0: Delays
So the threesome from Eastbourne have retained their early lead. Next up is Four Day Hombre at the end of the month. Or possiby Athlete/Snow Patrol next week...
Another good set from Delays. It was strangely busy, busier than Sunday by a large way. Strange Jacket Dancing Boy was there again, but in a slightly less stupid jacket. Songs I knew all sounded great, especially "Hey, Girl" (you gotta love songs that start with the chorus - anyone think of some other expamples?). And I got two free badges. Which I think takes me up to 5 Delays badges in total, but I gave one to Chris, so I am at most at 4 (since some of the last lot were turned into BMJJ badges, and I gave some of those away). I could just check the badge mug and count... Can't be arsed.
First support was from The Stanleys. They have one of those Scousers with Short to Medium curly hair, whose mouth appears permanently open. I think The Bandits have one too, but he has a hat.
Tonight in Fibbers, there were at least:
2 Actuaries;
0 Acturaial trainees
This means that the AR(SE) table is looking as follows:
3.5: Easyworld
2.0: Delays
So the threesome from Eastbourne have retained their early lead. Next up is Four Day Hombre at the end of the month. Or possiby Athlete/Snow Patrol next week...
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Should we talk about the weather?
York today looks fairly damp. I am admittedly basing this observation on my view of a very small patch of York, namely the bit outside my living room window, but it does look damp. And it's possibly raining too. At least I found my umbrella.
Incidentally, I'm not falling back on the old English thing where we talk about the weather because we have nothing else to talk about. Really. There are lots of things I could write about here. Here are the things I have chosen not to write about today:
1. Razor Blades
2. The current conversation between Standard Life and the FSA
3. The forthcoming televisation of The Alan Clarke Diaries (which I imagine to be quite similar to this blog)
4. My ongoing lack of a lovelife
5. The weather in places other than York, eg Leeds, Doncaster or Eastbourne
6. The wireless revolution
7. How I quite miss being able to watch RI:SE in the morning
8. My intended lunchtime sandwich
9. The way in which I have now fully resolved my kitchen lighting situation
10. Trumpton
But I have chosen of my own volition to not write about any of these things. I choose the weather of York on this damp, wet, fetid Tuesday morning. It's my choice. Until the next time, be seeing you.
Incidentally, I'm not falling back on the old English thing where we talk about the weather because we have nothing else to talk about. Really. There are lots of things I could write about here. Here are the things I have chosen not to write about today:
1. Razor Blades
2. The current conversation between Standard Life and the FSA
3. The forthcoming televisation of The Alan Clarke Diaries (which I imagine to be quite similar to this blog)
4. My ongoing lack of a lovelife
5. The weather in places other than York, eg Leeds, Doncaster or Eastbourne
6. The wireless revolution
7. How I quite miss being able to watch RI:SE in the morning
8. My intended lunchtime sandwich
9. The way in which I have now fully resolved my kitchen lighting situation
10. Trumpton
But I have chosen of my own volition to not write about any of these things. I choose the weather of York on this damp, wet, fetid Tuesday morning. It's my choice. Until the next time, be seeing you.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Words So Leisured
The new Franz Ferdinand single, "Take Me Out", came out today - There's a version of "Darts of Pleasure" on it that sounds like a cover by The Divine Comedy (to me at least!). It's probably excellent, possibly rubbish. Hey - go and buy the single anyway!
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Where'd all the spam go?
Is it just me, or has the amount of spam going to Hotmail addresses declined enormously recently? Almost makes Hotmail useful again! (although I'm not sure what I'll now do if I ever need to increase the size of my penis at short notice). In the last week, I have had just one (!) junk email, which was advertising viagra. I have put the entire text below, because it is frankly a work of genius. Not so much the advert bit (or the incredibly inept spellings), but the crazy mad list of words at the end...
"Hi,
Genierc and Super Viarga (Caiils) available online!
Most trusted online source!
Cilais or (Spuer Vagira)
takes affect right away & lasts 24-36 hours!
FOR SUEPR VAIRGA CILCK HERE
Genierc Virgaa
costs 60% less! save a lot of $.
FOR VIGARA CILCK HERE
Both products shipped discretely to your door
Not intreseted
bloat crandall brinkmanship inheritance jacm leachate getty care firsthand goldstine impale challenge gigging brigadier fallacy eulerian accessory deferral ingredient primitive headsmen gyrate divergent adjective button englewood collision eavesdropper lebensraum australia fermium dubitable oval gilt immigrate beggary diathesis bellingham
armature forwent mamma parsimonious loquacity anonymous compare irresistible rabbet katmandu conservatism chairwomen mollycoddle shred acrylic decrement evolution asset agricola person legerdemain dram ltd artemisia cairo highlight quinn incoherent immodest coupon meal enable bewitch legal oligarchy name fresh knifelike
scurry factual peterson roland matriculate libation osaka dilution cummings lura bedrock curio inopportune
simple porterhouse grab latitudinal d'oeuvre ingest hysteron cutler failure bun agnomen noblemen raspberry geophysics gimmickry drummond exploration arrear pitilessly sacrosanct pius blanch module reactionary clinic alleyway deposit seen
goad ferret ferment awaken newlywed brutal camilla matrix alternate headland cent damon eyebrow crucify fearful flesh histidine mephistopheles locomotor creek diphthong acrid dominion railway assessor fieldstone alexander cork frenzy fabulous injun gaithersburg resistant cotty
bladderwort gyp recherche granville doorkeeper gerry appoint grownup leatherback sister courier combatant headmaster atrium appropriate longue berman crunch gravestone recruit kline belly amphibole plural cherry conduce claustrophobic oligarchic eyeful featherweight eavesdropped fortran collision make fungal althea
abusable admiral arab cerebellum phipps cabana exceed disdainful crestfallen debility coarsen deodorant handlebar corrector bedevil crumb birgit appointee dissident handymen quilt confute fang foxglove rend hays geodesy locust heckle
cruz anorexia bulblet antagonism although raven hans demonstrable devolve doge pagoda angelic low craig coleus provide cowpox infancy blare council inexpressible precambrian anyone reveal calculi excommunicate serif levine americium blink decryption bugging
earsplitting gunsling control pool ave newsweek grantee crescendo decade adulthood manganese
brain bisque butternut noblesse nov caliber andiron abort erotic evolution exclaim byzantine furnish matriculate inshore await mullen forceful albeit col hid dingy indenture anselmo improbable hematite sinh draw barth dominique restful bookshelves croon insecure matthew aforesaid lambert"
This is possibly the best list of words I have ever seen. If anyone thinks I've made this up, I can forward the original email to you.
"Hi,
Genierc and Super Viarga (Caiils) available online!
Most trusted online source!
Cilais or (Spuer Vagira)
takes affect right away & lasts 24-36 hours!
FOR SUEPR VAIRGA CILCK HERE
Genierc Virgaa
costs 60% less! save a lot of $.
FOR VIGARA CILCK HERE
Both products shipped discretely to your door
Not intreseted
bloat crandall brinkmanship inheritance jacm leachate getty care firsthand goldstine impale challenge gigging brigadier fallacy eulerian accessory deferral ingredient primitive headsmen gyrate divergent adjective button englewood collision eavesdropper lebensraum australia fermium dubitable oval gilt immigrate beggary diathesis bellingham
armature forwent mamma parsimonious loquacity anonymous compare irresistible rabbet katmandu conservatism chairwomen mollycoddle shred acrylic decrement evolution asset agricola person legerdemain dram ltd artemisia cairo highlight quinn incoherent immodest coupon meal enable bewitch legal oligarchy name fresh knifelike
scurry factual peterson roland matriculate libation osaka dilution cummings lura bedrock curio inopportune
simple porterhouse grab latitudinal d'oeuvre ingest hysteron cutler failure bun agnomen noblemen raspberry geophysics gimmickry drummond exploration arrear pitilessly sacrosanct pius blanch module reactionary clinic alleyway deposit seen
goad ferret ferment awaken newlywed brutal camilla matrix alternate headland cent damon eyebrow crucify fearful flesh histidine mephistopheles locomotor creek diphthong acrid dominion railway assessor fieldstone alexander cork frenzy fabulous injun gaithersburg resistant cotty
bladderwort gyp recherche granville doorkeeper gerry appoint grownup leatherback sister courier combatant headmaster atrium appropriate longue berman crunch gravestone recruit kline belly amphibole plural cherry conduce claustrophobic oligarchic eyeful featherweight eavesdropped fortran collision make fungal althea
abusable admiral arab cerebellum phipps cabana exceed disdainful crestfallen debility coarsen deodorant handlebar corrector bedevil crumb birgit appointee dissident handymen quilt confute fang foxglove rend hays geodesy locust heckle
cruz anorexia bulblet antagonism although raven hans demonstrable devolve doge pagoda angelic low craig coleus provide cowpox infancy blare council inexpressible precambrian anyone reveal calculi excommunicate serif levine americium blink decryption bugging
earsplitting gunsling control pool ave newsweek grantee crescendo decade adulthood manganese
brain bisque butternut noblesse nov caliber andiron abort erotic evolution exclaim byzantine furnish matriculate inshore await mullen forceful albeit col hid dingy indenture anselmo improbable hematite sinh draw barth dominique restful bookshelves croon insecure matthew aforesaid lambert"
This is possibly the best list of words I have ever seen. If anyone thinks I've made this up, I can forward the original email to you.
A review of a gig what I went to tonight
Easyworld, York Fibbers
It was a good set tonight. Quite heavily weighted towards new songs, a lot of which seemed a lot more introspective than the older stuff. And a bit sadder and slower. Almost seems like Dav had a bad 2003? Lots of songs were conspicuous by their absence ("2nd amendment" in particular), but "Tonight" was both new and excellent. And slow and sad. Overall, I'm looking forward to the new album. Strange How I'd never noticed the snatch of Justin Trousersnake in the middle of "You and Me". Must. Listen. More. Carefully. To. Records.
You can never go far wrong with a glitterball.
Support was from X Is Loaded, who were not bad, but not particularly unique. Put me in mind of Hundred Reasons. Quite rocky. However, their rock 'n' roll credentials were put strongly in doubt when the lead singer was spotted at the bar during Easyworld's set ordering a bag of Maltesers.
Tonight in Fibbers, there were at least:
3 Actuaries;
1 Acturaial trainee.
So Easyworld have an Actuarial Rating (Statistically Exactimundo) of 3.5. This puts them in the lead in the 2004 AR(SE) table, but so far it is something of a one horse race. Can The Delays on Wednesday do better? Stay tuned...
My kitchen smells strongly of garlic.
It was a good set tonight. Quite heavily weighted towards new songs, a lot of which seemed a lot more introspective than the older stuff. And a bit sadder and slower. Almost seems like Dav had a bad 2003? Lots of songs were conspicuous by their absence ("2nd amendment" in particular), but "Tonight" was both new and excellent. And slow and sad. Overall, I'm looking forward to the new album. Strange How I'd never noticed the snatch of Justin Trousersnake in the middle of "You and Me". Must. Listen. More. Carefully. To. Records.
You can never go far wrong with a glitterball.
Support was from X Is Loaded, who were not bad, but not particularly unique. Put me in mind of Hundred Reasons. Quite rocky. However, their rock 'n' roll credentials were put strongly in doubt when the lead singer was spotted at the bar during Easyworld's set ordering a bag of Maltesers.
Tonight in Fibbers, there were at least:
3 Actuaries;
1 Acturaial trainee.
So Easyworld have an Actuarial Rating (Statistically Exactimundo) of 3.5. This puts them in the lead in the 2004 AR(SE) table, but so far it is something of a one horse race. Can The Delays on Wednesday do better? Stay tuned...
My kitchen smells strongly of garlic.
Umbrella
Hmmm. It's pissing it down outside, and I seem to have misplaced my umbrella. I'm fairly sure I had it on Friday morning, so I may well have just left it in the office like a doofus. Has anyone seen it? Looks like I'll be soggy tonight....
Better ways to self destruct
Tonight I'm off to see Easyworld at Fibbers. They are a great band, I think I last saw them 359 days ago or thereabouts. If I'm really lucky, some of me friends may turn up too! I'm a bit irritated though because I normally manage to get very low ticket numbers, often no. 1 or no. 2. Today however, I only have ticket 11. A shoddy purchasing performance on my part, it wouldn't be so bad except that I know who has tickets 9 and 10, and I don't much like one of them. And I'm fairly sure the person in question would prefer to stay in and watch "The Antiques Roadshow" and "The Midsommer Murders" *
Anyway, if you have the fat pipe installed, check out the Easyworld website, and you can watch the videos for all the singles.
Things I have failed to do today that I wanted to:
1. Buy some more razor blades.
This is not a huge problem, as my current one will last for a couple more shaves, and in any case, Sainsburys had sold out. I may have a rant about razor blades in the next few days, or I may not. Watch this space.
2. Stay asleep until at least 10 o'clock.
Woke up at around 8 o'clock. Way too early. Managed to doze a bit though and didn't actually get out of the bed properly until around 1 o'clock.
3. Look at Futons on the internet.
I need to buy a futon for the second bedroom, and had intended to do some net shopping this alvo. But forgot, mainly because I got into the fun exciting task of downloading more tunes into the iPod.
4. Look at computer workstations on the internet.
See 3. above.
I guess none of the above were particularly urgent (except 2.) so looking on the bright side, I have a few exciting tasks for the week ahead! And it's not like I've been bone idol** this afternoon - I have done useful things (which you'll be grateful to hear that I do not intend to list) and I also cooked myself another proper dinner! That's two proper dinners in one week. Truly I have turned the corner... I even invented my own recipe. Its' called "Prime Pork Steaks with Garlic, Black Pepper and Red Wine (Merlot)", or PPSGBPRW(M) for short. Please let me know if you'd like the recipe.
Ta ta for now, see you at Fibbers?
* This is actually just a wild guess on my part.
** Like Pop Idol but for skeletons?
Anyway, if you have the fat pipe installed, check out the Easyworld website, and you can watch the videos for all the singles.
Things I have failed to do today that I wanted to:
1. Buy some more razor blades.
This is not a huge problem, as my current one will last for a couple more shaves, and in any case, Sainsburys had sold out. I may have a rant about razor blades in the next few days, or I may not. Watch this space.
2. Stay asleep until at least 10 o'clock.
Woke up at around 8 o'clock. Way too early. Managed to doze a bit though and didn't actually get out of the bed properly until around 1 o'clock.
3. Look at Futons on the internet.
I need to buy a futon for the second bedroom, and had intended to do some net shopping this alvo. But forgot, mainly because I got into the fun exciting task of downloading more tunes into the iPod.
4. Look at computer workstations on the internet.
See 3. above.
I guess none of the above were particularly urgent (except 2.) so looking on the bright side, I have a few exciting tasks for the week ahead! And it's not like I've been bone idol** this afternoon - I have done useful things (which you'll be grateful to hear that I do not intend to list) and I also cooked myself another proper dinner! That's two proper dinners in one week. Truly I have turned the corner... I even invented my own recipe. Its' called "Prime Pork Steaks with Garlic, Black Pepper and Red Wine (Merlot)", or PPSGBPRW(M) for short. Please let me know if you'd like the recipe.
Ta ta for now, see you at Fibbers?
* This is actually just a wild guess on my part.
** Like Pop Idol but for skeletons?
Yes, I am the best
After the last couple of hours, I have come to the only conclusion possible. I am best at Mario Kart DD. Not Wayne, he is only second best. And certainly not Daf, he was frankly abysmal (though he does seem to be allowed back in the flat now).
In the cornish pasty shop this evening, they were playing "F**k her gently" by Tenacious D. I did not really think that was appropriate for a glorified pie shop, but I refrained from bringing this up with the management. "What's your favourite dish? I'm not going to cook it but I'll order it from Zanzibar".
In the cornish pasty shop this evening, they were playing "F**k her gently" by Tenacious D. I did not really think that was appropriate for a glorified pie shop, but I refrained from bringing this up with the management. "What's your favourite dish? I'm not going to cook it but I'll order it from Zanzibar".
Saturday, January 10, 2004
The hills are alive...
Today I have been out into the Yorkshire Dales. Or possibly the Yorkshire Moors. Not sure which, I should have asked someone. Anyway, it was where the TV series "Heartbeat", (which starred Nick Berry for the first seven series) was filmed. They sell all sorts of memorabilia about the show there, none of which I was tempted to buy. Which in retrospect was lucky, as I barely had enough cash to pay for lunch. There was an interesting looking video about a dog called Will, but I forget the exact title. It looked like it may have been in the shop window for about 30 years. All faded from the sun.
The place itself is called Goathland, but I didn't see a single goat. Lots and lots of sheep, but not a single goat. Quite disappointing. I did get to cross a ford though. It cleaned my boots up nicely.
Whilst walking we had a lot of fun all singing "one man went to mow". We got up to 36 men before stopping. I'm not sure if this is a world record, but it is certainly a personal best.
Quite tired now. Mistakenly climbing an old abandoned waterfall probably contributed to this. I have had an hour’s lie down this afternoon, and don’t have to do anything tomorrow so I can have a nice long lie in. It’s going to be wonderful.
The place itself is called Goathland, but I didn't see a single goat. Lots and lots of sheep, but not a single goat. Quite disappointing. I did get to cross a ford though. It cleaned my boots up nicely.
Whilst walking we had a lot of fun all singing "one man went to mow". We got up to 36 men before stopping. I'm not sure if this is a world record, but it is certainly a personal best.
Quite tired now. Mistakenly climbing an old abandoned waterfall probably contributed to this. I have had an hour’s lie down this afternoon, and don’t have to do anything tomorrow so I can have a nice long lie in. It’s going to be wonderful.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Light bulb changing
I changed some more lightbulbs today. Well, not changed exactly, more removed. I need to get down to a hardware store and attempt to find some bulbs that match the ones I removed. In total I need three, all in the kitchen, two of one kind, the third is another. But that is probably enough on that subject for now at least. Even I can tell that it just ain't that interesting.
So instead, here is an excellent poem about lightbulbs that I just wrote:
I woke from sleep, like a lightbulb exploding;
My dreams shattered into forgetfulness
As a filament shatters into pieces:
Very small pieces,
Very small dream fragments.
If I could assemble the dream,
Would my light turn back on?
I really am a fabulous poet. But I shall write no more today, my muse has left me. And I'm due down the pub in quarter of an hour.
So instead, here is an excellent poem about lightbulbs that I just wrote:
I woke from sleep, like a lightbulb exploding;
My dreams shattered into forgetfulness
As a filament shatters into pieces:
Very small pieces,
Very small dream fragments.
If I could assemble the dream,
Would my light turn back on?
I really am a fabulous poet. But I shall write no more today, my muse has left me. And I'm due down the pub in quarter of an hour.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
How to cook a boiled potato
I have been on this planet now for many years. Nearly 28 years since birth, and a bit longer in the womb. And until today, I had never ever cooked a boiled potato. Not once. I have no good excuse for this. Good excuses for never having cooked a boiled potato might be:
- I was not aware that potatoes could be boiled.
- I was not aware that potatoes could be eaten.
- I was not aware that boiled potatoes could be eaten.
- I am five years old and mother won't let me use the hob.
- I am 2 feet tall and cannot reach the hob.
- I have no arms.
- I am starch intolerant.
- I am contrary.
- I am strictly carnivorous.
- I once tried to cook a boiled potato, but got distracted on the way to the cooker by a holiday brochure. It let to a wonderful fortnight in Switzerland, so I forgot about my intention to boil a potato.
- Regicide is wrong.
That last is a poor King Edward joke. Sorry. I don't think they are good potatoes for boiling anyway so the joke barely works. Sorry once more. Anyway...
None of the excuses above apply to me. I like boiled potatoes and I'd have no objection to eating more of them should the opportunity arise. I will have to put my lack of potato boiling down to a mixture of laziness and ignorance. I've seen these perfect ovoid tatties served on plates or in bowls many times. I must have watched my own mother cook them back in the day. Possibly my grandmother too. It just seems like that secret knowledge, the "how", never got passed to me. I'm sure my sister knows how.
Well now, I have discovered how to make potatoes boil, and I have used the knowledge this very evening! I cooked boiled potatoes! And I want to share the "how" with you, out there in the world. Just in case you also were asleep the day the secret potato knowledge was shared. Here we go:
1. Boil some water in a pan.
2. Put the potatoes in the water in the pan.
3. Wait 15 to 20 minutes.
4. Take the potatoes out of the water.
5. Eat them.
6. Yum.
7. Do all the washing and cleaning. Remember to wipe down the hob, but be careful - it may still be hot.
I sincerely hope that this can be of benefit to all of you. Go now and enjoy the Boiled Potato.
(I also had Fried Lamp Chops and Peas. With mint sauce and a glass of Bourdeaux.)
- I was not aware that potatoes could be boiled.
- I was not aware that potatoes could be eaten.
- I was not aware that boiled potatoes could be eaten.
- I am five years old and mother won't let me use the hob.
- I am 2 feet tall and cannot reach the hob.
- I have no arms.
- I am starch intolerant.
- I am contrary.
- I am strictly carnivorous.
- I once tried to cook a boiled potato, but got distracted on the way to the cooker by a holiday brochure. It let to a wonderful fortnight in Switzerland, so I forgot about my intention to boil a potato.
- Regicide is wrong.
That last is a poor King Edward joke. Sorry. I don't think they are good potatoes for boiling anyway so the joke barely works. Sorry once more. Anyway...
None of the excuses above apply to me. I like boiled potatoes and I'd have no objection to eating more of them should the opportunity arise. I will have to put my lack of potato boiling down to a mixture of laziness and ignorance. I've seen these perfect ovoid tatties served on plates or in bowls many times. I must have watched my own mother cook them back in the day. Possibly my grandmother too. It just seems like that secret knowledge, the "how", never got passed to me. I'm sure my sister knows how.
Well now, I have discovered how to make potatoes boil, and I have used the knowledge this very evening! I cooked boiled potatoes! And I want to share the "how" with you, out there in the world. Just in case you also were asleep the day the secret potato knowledge was shared. Here we go:
1. Boil some water in a pan.
2. Put the potatoes in the water in the pan.
3. Wait 15 to 20 minutes.
4. Take the potatoes out of the water.
5. Eat them.
6. Yum.
7. Do all the washing and cleaning. Remember to wipe down the hob, but be careful - it may still be hot.
I sincerely hope that this can be of benefit to all of you. Go now and enjoy the Boiled Potato.
(I also had Fried Lamp Chops and Peas. With mint sauce and a glass of Bourdeaux.)
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Tired
I'm tired. Very tired. And also slightly lethargic. When I tilt my head forward I get a headache. So I don't tilt my head forward. Must be the last remnants of the cold I had at the weekend. Itself brought on by the freezingness of a cold, snowy, slippy New Year's Eve, outside when I should have been inside, in a baked potato queue when I should have been in bed. It really was bally cold. I didn't even want a frickin' potato. Bad friend - you know who you are!
A Lemsip before bed tonight. Sleep 'til morning, then wake and do it all again. Apart from the Lemsip - I only have one left.
A Lemsip before bed tonight. Sleep 'til morning, then wake and do it all again. Apart from the Lemsip - I only have one left.
Monday, January 05, 2004
A New Approach to Performance Management
It is rapidly approaching that time of year when those of us who have staff will have to conduct some kind of performance management, or appraisal. This can be hard work and time consuming for both parties – surely there has to be a better way to work out the grade that will determine the employee’s position on the pay-rise matrix… Doesn’t there?
Well, a colleague of mine has devised a scheme that we believe is superior to the standard “sit in a room and have a chat” method in almost every way! I shall illustrate the method with an example manager, M and their staff member, Q. Here we go:
Every time Q does a good thing during the year, M gives Q a balloon. This doesn’t have to be a special balloon with “Well Done” or “Just Married” written on the side. No, a simple common or garden balloon will be fine – the sort you can find in any high street store (apart from Top Shop obviously).
Q saves all the balloons collected in the year in a special place, perhaps an allocated drawer or cupboard.
If Q has had a good year, a lot of balloons will be accumulated. If Q has a less good year, less balloons will be accumulated. Balloon accumulation is all down to Q’s performance.
When January next rears it’s cold head, M picks up the large helium canister, and both M and Q head on up to the office roof. Together they use the helium to inflate all the balloons, tie a bit of string to the balloon, and the other end to Q. When all balloons are inflated and tied, M pushes Q off the edge of the building.
Here comes the clever part… M now times in seconds how long it takes for Q to reach the ground. A long time indicates a good rating for Q, a short time will be a less good result. Once all employees have been balloon appraised in this way, M can rank all scores and assign people to appropriate bands, or whatever is needed to determine pay rises.
That’s all there is to it! The method has several advantages over the traditional one:
1) The employee can easily see at a glance how they are doing through the year. A typical thought of Q in the example might be “Golly! I am having a good year – look at all these rubber balloons!”.
2) It can often be hard to get rid of lazy, useless, underachievers from the office. With this method, the problem solves itself - splat!
3) High fliers can be just as much of a problem – nobody likes it when someone half their age and experience takes the job they should have had themselves. With this new method, the high flier will fly high, into the path of a Lear Jet or Zeppelin. Again – Splat.
4) Fitness and Slimness will be encouraged in the workplace.
5) A good employee will at the end of the year get a fun balloon ride! They may even like it so much that you won’t have to pay them a bonus!
So I think it is clear that this new method of balloon appraisal is superior to the traditional method in almost every way.
If any management gurus are reading this - put it in your next book (I'll take 10% of the profits, thank you very much). To any employees reading this, why not show it to your boss - they may use the idea for next year's PAs (fun balloon ride - waaaayyyyy!). And to any managers reading this, get out their and start buying your balloons (but not from Top Shop, obviously).
Well, a colleague of mine has devised a scheme that we believe is superior to the standard “sit in a room and have a chat” method in almost every way! I shall illustrate the method with an example manager, M and their staff member, Q. Here we go:
Every time Q does a good thing during the year, M gives Q a balloon. This doesn’t have to be a special balloon with “Well Done” or “Just Married” written on the side. No, a simple common or garden balloon will be fine – the sort you can find in any high street store (apart from Top Shop obviously).
Q saves all the balloons collected in the year in a special place, perhaps an allocated drawer or cupboard.
If Q has had a good year, a lot of balloons will be accumulated. If Q has a less good year, less balloons will be accumulated. Balloon accumulation is all down to Q’s performance.
When January next rears it’s cold head, M picks up the large helium canister, and both M and Q head on up to the office roof. Together they use the helium to inflate all the balloons, tie a bit of string to the balloon, and the other end to Q. When all balloons are inflated and tied, M pushes Q off the edge of the building.
Here comes the clever part… M now times in seconds how long it takes for Q to reach the ground. A long time indicates a good rating for Q, a short time will be a less good result. Once all employees have been balloon appraised in this way, M can rank all scores and assign people to appropriate bands, or whatever is needed to determine pay rises.
That’s all there is to it! The method has several advantages over the traditional one:
1) The employee can easily see at a glance how they are doing through the year. A typical thought of Q in the example might be “Golly! I am having a good year – look at all these rubber balloons!”.
2) It can often be hard to get rid of lazy, useless, underachievers from the office. With this method, the problem solves itself - splat!
3) High fliers can be just as much of a problem – nobody likes it when someone half their age and experience takes the job they should have had themselves. With this new method, the high flier will fly high, into the path of a Lear Jet or Zeppelin. Again – Splat.
4) Fitness and Slimness will be encouraged in the workplace.
5) A good employee will at the end of the year get a fun balloon ride! They may even like it so much that you won’t have to pay them a bonus!
So I think it is clear that this new method of balloon appraisal is superior to the traditional method in almost every way.
If any management gurus are reading this - put it in your next book (I'll take 10% of the profits, thank you very much). To any employees reading this, why not show it to your boss - they may use the idea for next year's PAs (fun balloon ride - waaaayyyyy!). And to any managers reading this, get out their and start buying your balloons (but not from Top Shop, obviously).
Draw your own conclusions...
There is a myth that actuaries are dull, torpid humourless types. In an attempt to disprove this (or not!), at the tail end of 2003 I organised a joke competition at work. The idea was to come up with the best original joke involving the actuarial world and Christmas (which frankly don't overlap that often). Despite having over two weeks to think of entries, the overall standard was weak. I intend to present here some of the best and the worst attempts at humour. Each joke was marked (quite objectively) in four categories: Originality, Actuarial content, Christmas content and Humour, with some bonus marks awarded on top, where appropriate.
I'll start with the winning joke, submitted by.... me. Not that the thing was fixed or anything, I was just best.
Q. Why did no errors occur during Baby Jesus's birth?
A. He was in a stable prophet environment!
This is actually a fairly technical joke, so I won't explain it here. Suffice to say, I won by a mile. However, I am nothing if not magnanimous, and so I gave the fine prize to the second place entry:
Q. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb
A. 1.1214061
This uses the following (market consistent) assumptions
Prob(buy wrong type of light) = 7.8132%
Prob(fall off chair) = 2.5673%
Prob(drop light) = 4.5671%
Prob(new light doesn't work) = 3.4237%
Prob(fuse all lights in house) = 0.4813%
Prob(electrocuted by new light) = 0.0201%
This is clearly very sad, and the gentleman who submitted it had completely forgotten to make it to do with Christmas and it still came second. This is what I have to deal with! I did however award 2 bonus points here, since earlier in the day of judging I had actually been changing a lightbulb for an actuarial friend. I required a small amount of help from her (she fetched me a stool to stand on), and she is only small, so probably contributed around 0.2 of a person to the total. Hence the so called "Joke" actually turned out to be quite accurate!
Two more (and feel free to stop reading here if you've had enough). First, a mid ranking joke:
Q. What role did the actuary play in the school nativity?
A. The actuary
And finally the worst joke:
Q. What do you get if you cross an actuary and a magician?
A. Don’t be stupid actuaries don’t make things disappear.
This not only forgot about Christmas, it failed to be funny or indeed make sense. It seems to have mixed up a "What do you get if you cross..." joke with some other joke format I can't quite make out. Answers on a postcard please.
I think in the end I have presented here sufficient evidence that actuaries are not dull, torpid humourless types, but I leave it to you, avid reader, to evaluate the above and redraw your own internal stereotypes.
I'll start with the winning joke, submitted by.... me. Not that the thing was fixed or anything, I was just best.
Q. Why did no errors occur during Baby Jesus's birth?
A. He was in a stable prophet environment!
This is actually a fairly technical joke, so I won't explain it here. Suffice to say, I won by a mile. However, I am nothing if not magnanimous, and so I gave the fine prize to the second place entry:
Q. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb
A. 1.1214061
This uses the following (market consistent) assumptions
Prob(buy wrong type of light) = 7.8132%
Prob(fall off chair) = 2.5673%
Prob(drop light) = 4.5671%
Prob(new light doesn't work) = 3.4237%
Prob(fuse all lights in house) = 0.4813%
Prob(electrocuted by new light) = 0.0201%
This is clearly very sad, and the gentleman who submitted it had completely forgotten to make it to do with Christmas and it still came second. This is what I have to deal with! I did however award 2 bonus points here, since earlier in the day of judging I had actually been changing a lightbulb for an actuarial friend. I required a small amount of help from her (she fetched me a stool to stand on), and she is only small, so probably contributed around 0.2 of a person to the total. Hence the so called "Joke" actually turned out to be quite accurate!
Two more (and feel free to stop reading here if you've had enough). First, a mid ranking joke:
Q. What role did the actuary play in the school nativity?
A. The actuary
And finally the worst joke:
Q. What do you get if you cross an actuary and a magician?
A. Don’t be stupid actuaries don’t make things disappear.
This not only forgot about Christmas, it failed to be funny or indeed make sense. It seems to have mixed up a "What do you get if you cross..." joke with some other joke format I can't quite make out. Answers on a postcard please.
I think in the end I have presented here sufficient evidence that actuaries are not dull, torpid humourless types, but I leave it to you, avid reader, to evaluate the above and redraw your own internal stereotypes.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Top 20 tunes, 2003
Each Christmas for the last million years or so, Mr John Peel has compiled a list of the best 50 songs to be released in the year. It's called "John Peel's Festive 50". I also do a similar thing, but 50 has always seemed a bit ambitious, and I tend to leave it until after Christmas so that it is not as festive. I call mine "Top 20 Tunes, 2003" and here it is (in standard suspense building reverse order):
Top 20 Tunes, 2003
20. Jet – Are you gonna be my girl?
19. Ooberman – Dreams in the air
18. The Grim Northern Social – Honey
17. Ben and Jason – When to laugh
16. The Crimea – Baby boom
15. Stellastarr* - Somewhere across forever
14. Ryan Adams – Wonderwall
13. Cosmic Rough Riders – Life in wartime
12. Blur – Out of time
11. Buffseeds – Sparkle Me
10. Delays - Nearer than heaven
09. Belle and Sebastian – I’m a cuckoo
08. Keane – This is the last time
07. The Bandits – Once upon a time
06. The Vessels – Look for me first in any crowded room
05. The Sleepy Jackson - Rain Falls for wind
04. Mew – 156
03. Franz Ferdinand – Darts of Pleasure
02. Snow Patrol – Run
01. The Crimea - White Russian Galaxy
I have exactly 1 song in common with Mr Peel: My 16 is the same as his 8. Frankly I think my list is better - a lot of the songs on his list are rubbish, whereas every single one of mine is Super-Fantastique (to quote no 3). I can also fit all mine onto a single CD - I bet you can't fit your list onto one CD, John!
Unfortunately, I later realised I had missed off a couple of songs I wanted to include (and therefore maybe included two I didn't want to?). For posterity, they are "First Day" by The Futureheads and "The First Word is the Hardest" by Four Day Hombre. Sorry guys! It is possible that both these songs may turn up on albums this year, so they could still make it to the chart of 2004. Only one of these two is on JP's list.
As far as I am aware, none of the songs above are written by actuaries, are about actuaries or are designed to specifically appeal to actuaries.
Top 20 Tunes, 2003
20. Jet – Are you gonna be my girl?
19. Ooberman – Dreams in the air
18. The Grim Northern Social – Honey
17. Ben and Jason – When to laugh
16. The Crimea – Baby boom
15. Stellastarr* - Somewhere across forever
14. Ryan Adams – Wonderwall
13. Cosmic Rough Riders – Life in wartime
12. Blur – Out of time
11. Buffseeds – Sparkle Me
10. Delays - Nearer than heaven
09. Belle and Sebastian – I’m a cuckoo
08. Keane – This is the last time
07. The Bandits – Once upon a time
06. The Vessels – Look for me first in any crowded room
05. The Sleepy Jackson - Rain Falls for wind
04. Mew – 156
03. Franz Ferdinand – Darts of Pleasure
02. Snow Patrol – Run
01. The Crimea - White Russian Galaxy
I have exactly 1 song in common with Mr Peel: My 16 is the same as his 8. Frankly I think my list is better - a lot of the songs on his list are rubbish, whereas every single one of mine is Super-Fantastique (to quote no 3). I can also fit all mine onto a single CD - I bet you can't fit your list onto one CD, John!
Unfortunately, I later realised I had missed off a couple of songs I wanted to include (and therefore maybe included two I didn't want to?). For posterity, they are "First Day" by The Futureheads and "The First Word is the Hardest" by Four Day Hombre. Sorry guys! It is possible that both these songs may turn up on albums this year, so they could still make it to the chart of 2004. Only one of these two is on JP's list.
As far as I am aware, none of the songs above are written by actuaries, are about actuaries or are designed to specifically appeal to actuaries.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
In a book
It's always nice when actuaries and their work are mentioned in a book. It makes me think "excellent - if I were ever to meet this author, I would not have to explain to them what I do for a living for they already know".
Today I found one on page 45 of "Quicksilver" by Neal Stephenson. The book weighs approx 1.2kg and runs to 927 pages. A character says "The Royal Society is infested with actuaries and statisticians nowadays". The 'nowadays' in question was 1713. I have no idea whether this is still true or not in 2004. Maybe it is overrun by their descendents rather than the ones from the 18th century. I also hope I have not given away any important plot points to those of you who might like to read the book in the future.
Today I found one on page 45 of "Quicksilver" by Neal Stephenson. The book weighs approx 1.2kg and runs to 927 pages. A character says "The Royal Society is infested with actuaries and statisticians nowadays". The 'nowadays' in question was 1713. I have no idea whether this is still true or not in 2004. Maybe it is overrun by their descendents rather than the ones from the 18th century. I also hope I have not given away any important plot points to those of you who might like to read the book in the future.
January
It is now January 3rd. January. Arguably the most depressing month of the year. Potentially the one with most work to do too, which is never pleasant.
I have not made any New Year's resolutions. To the best of my memory, I have never made any New Year's resolutions. I have however not had any alcohol or caffeine so far this year. I've no intention of carrying that on though, it's more just that I haven't been out. Could have gone out last night but I had a cold (it's nearly better now, thanks for asking). I always think it is better to make retrospective resolutions anyway -something along the lines of "I will not drink alcohol until 8pm on January 5th". That way the resolution is both a Good Thing and will also have been kept. Down to the minute.
But I have not made any yet.
I could do with buying some calendars soon. I had two last year - one Buffy and one Angel which hung side by side upon my wall. As an intermediate measure I have turned each to my favourite month ie August and November respectively. I have a horrible feeling that I may have missed the boat on the calendar issue though. Last year Virgin had loads and loads left until well into January, and so they were all eventually reduced to one English Pound each. I had hoped a similar thing would happen this year too, but it seems either there has been a run on half price calendars at the end of December, or that the shop has bought less stock this year, as I can't find good new ones anywhere. Darn. I mean, who pays more than a pound for a calendar! Madmen.
A thought has just come to me though... I should try the pound shop.
Or else I could just either
a) accept I am too late and buy whatever is left (although I don't think I am sad and lonely enough yet to go for a "LoveKylie" calendar, nice as they are)
b) have no calendar and rely on techology and memory to know what date it is now and later.
It is truly a great dillemma. I think I know how Copernicus felt when he was deciding whether or not to publish his heresy.
I have not made any New Year's resolutions. To the best of my memory, I have never made any New Year's resolutions. I have however not had any alcohol or caffeine so far this year. I've no intention of carrying that on though, it's more just that I haven't been out. Could have gone out last night but I had a cold (it's nearly better now, thanks for asking). I always think it is better to make retrospective resolutions anyway -something along the lines of "I will not drink alcohol until 8pm on January 5th". That way the resolution is both a Good Thing and will also have been kept. Down to the minute.
But I have not made any yet.
I could do with buying some calendars soon. I had two last year - one Buffy and one Angel which hung side by side upon my wall. As an intermediate measure I have turned each to my favourite month ie August and November respectively. I have a horrible feeling that I may have missed the boat on the calendar issue though. Last year Virgin had loads and loads left until well into January, and so they were all eventually reduced to one English Pound each. I had hoped a similar thing would happen this year too, but it seems either there has been a run on half price calendars at the end of December, or that the shop has bought less stock this year, as I can't find good new ones anywhere. Darn. I mean, who pays more than a pound for a calendar! Madmen.
A thought has just come to me though... I should try the pound shop.
Or else I could just either
a) accept I am too late and buy whatever is left (although I don't think I am sad and lonely enough yet to go for a "LoveKylie" calendar, nice as they are)
b) have no calendar and rely on techology and memory to know what date it is now and later.
It is truly a great dillemma. I think I know how Copernicus felt when he was deciding whether or not to publish his heresy.
Second Post
Excellent. Just spent best part of half an hour attempting to add the links section that you should now hopefully see at the bottom of the page. Never used html before - bit odd, but I think I got it.
The link I have put in is to the Institute of Actuaries, based in Staple Inn, London. I pay them loadsa money (oh how Harry E is missed) each year, and in return they send me some pretty books and let me practice my profession. A small uninteresting coincidence: as I write this Ralph MacTell is on the radio singing "Streets of London". Which is where the Institute is.
The song has now finished, but Ralph will live forever.
The link I have put in is to the Institute of Actuaries, based in Staple Inn, London. I pay them loadsa money (oh how Harry E is missed) each year, and in return they send me some pretty books and let me practice my profession. A small uninteresting coincidence: as I write this Ralph MacTell is on the radio singing "Streets of London". Which is where the Institute is.
The song has now finished, but Ralph will live forever.
First Post
Hi all. I've been toying with the idea of setting up a website for many ages now, and have never got round to it due to: a) laziness b) lack of ideas c) lack of technical ability.
I feel this is a shame for everyone as I seem to have a lot of time on my hands these days and it would be occasionally useful for me to have somewhere to speak to the world. Especially when I am "tired and emotional". This may or may not be that place, I am yet to decide. But it's free, outside is cold and wet and I don't want to go out anyway (mainly because it is cold and wet).
So here is my Blog. I've called it York Actuary. Because I am an actuary. And I live in York (in England). Not that I feel that entirely defines me and everything about me. There are other things that define me. But they are secret.
I feel this is a shame for everyone as I seem to have a lot of time on my hands these days and it would be occasionally useful for me to have somewhere to speak to the world. Especially when I am "tired and emotional". This may or may not be that place, I am yet to decide. But it's free, outside is cold and wet and I don't want to go out anyway (mainly because it is cold and wet).
So here is my Blog. I've called it York Actuary. Because I am an actuary. And I live in York (in England). Not that I feel that entirely defines me and everything about me. There are other things that define me. But they are secret.
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