A New Approach to Performance Management

It is rapidly approaching that time of year when those of us who have staff will have to conduct some kind of performance management, or appraisal. This can be hard work and time consuming for both parties – surely there has to be a better way to work out the grade that will determine the employee’s position on the pay-rise matrix… Doesn’t there?

Well, a colleague of mine has devised a scheme that we believe is superior to the standard “sit in a room and have a chat” method in almost every way! I shall illustrate the method with an example manager, M and their staff member, Q. Here we go:

Every time Q does a good thing during the year, M gives Q a balloon. This doesn’t have to be a special balloon with “Well Done” or “Just Married” written on the side. No, a simple common or garden balloon will be fine – the sort you can find in any high street store (apart from Top Shop obviously).

Q saves all the balloons collected in the year in a special place, perhaps an allocated drawer or cupboard.

If Q has had a good year, a lot of balloons will be accumulated. If Q has a less good year, less balloons will be accumulated. Balloon accumulation is all down to Q’s performance.

When January next rears it’s cold head, M picks up the large helium canister, and both M and Q head on up to the office roof. Together they use the helium to inflate all the balloons, tie a bit of string to the balloon, and the other end to Q. When all balloons are inflated and tied, M pushes Q off the edge of the building.

Here comes the clever part… M now times in seconds how long it takes for Q to reach the ground. A long time indicates a good rating for Q, a short time will be a less good result. Once all employees have been balloon appraised in this way, M can rank all scores and assign people to appropriate bands, or whatever is needed to determine pay rises.

That’s all there is to it! The method has several advantages over the traditional one:

1) The employee can easily see at a glance how they are doing through the year. A typical thought of Q in the example might be “Golly! I am having a good year – look at all these rubber balloons!”.

2) It can often be hard to get rid of lazy, useless, underachievers from the office. With this method, the problem solves itself - splat!

3) High fliers can be just as much of a problem – nobody likes it when someone half their age and experience takes the job they should have had themselves. With this new method, the high flier will fly high, into the path of a Lear Jet or Zeppelin. Again – Splat.

4) Fitness and Slimness will be encouraged in the workplace.

5) A good employee will at the end of the year get a fun balloon ride! They may even like it so much that you won’t have to pay them a bonus!

So I think it is clear that this new method of balloon appraisal is superior to the traditional method in almost every way.

If any management gurus are reading this - put it in your next book (I'll take 10% of the profits, thank you very much). To any employees reading this, why not show it to your boss - they may use the idea for next year's PAs (fun balloon ride - waaaayyyyy!). And to any managers reading this, get out their and start buying your balloons (but not from Top Shop, obviously).