It's a godawful small affair...

It had to happen eventually. Maybe “had” is the wrong word… “could”? Anyway, it has, What has? I’ll tell you. Dubya has finally done something I agree with: We are going back to The Moon. And maybe Beyond…

It’s been a ridiculous amount of years since man was last on our orbiting body. How off Earth are we ever going to colonise the galaxy if we can’t be bothered to get off the planet? True, sometimes I have days when I can’t be bothered to leave the flat (or even get out of bed), but at the moment I’m not responsible for the future of the whole Human species so it’s not that important. Given the opportunity I’d love to go to The Moon. I’d do anything to travel to Mars.

Maybe I’ve just been reading too many Boy’s Own comics, but what could be better than getting the chance to travel through space to another friggin’ planet?

My campaign therefore starts here. Most manned spaceflights so far have been manned by so called “scientists” and “pilots”, “women” and “monkeys”. Isn’t it about time we sent an “actuary” into space? I volunteer to be that actuary. I’m well aware that I have no experience so far in the field of space travel, but that didn’t stop Yuri Gagarin or Flash Gordon. The Moon flight isn’t scheduled until 2015 so I’ll have plenty of time to train.

I’ll do the fitness regime. I’ll do the engineering courses. I’ll learn how to work the scientific apparatus. I’ll do the Zero G training. I’ll practice wearing a goldfish bowl on my head. I’ll only eat dehydrated foods. I’ll go without the love of a good woman. I’ll learn how to defacate into a plastic bag, and then knead in special chemicals to kill the bacteria (they really had to do that in Apollo!). I’ll move to Florida. Just get me on that mission…

If like me, you want me to be on that mission to the heavens, call NASA now. Persuade them they need an actuary in space. Nowhere in this universe is it more important to make financial sense of the future than on our nearest Heavenly Bodies. I’m up for the challenge. See you on Mars in 2030.