One of the great unsolved mysteries of life is not in fact the Riemann Hypothesis. In fact since mathematicians are currently unable to decide whether that has been solved or not, that was a particularly bad example. Start again.
One of the great unsolved mysteries of life involves dead birds. Pigeons specifically. The mystery is this: Pigeons do not appear to die, or at least they leave no bodies when they do die. I have (as usual) several theories about this:
1. All pigeons are immortal. The have lived since the dawn of time, or at least the dawn of pigeons, and will be with us until after the last man has passed on to a better place. Like the Highlander, they can only be killed by decapitation in duels with other pigeons. And since pigeons can't wield swords, this does not happen very often.
2. Similar to theory 1: All pigeons are vampires. This would explain why there are no bodies, as they crumble to dust on death. However, it does not fit well with observed sightings of pigeons in daylight or churches. Don't think this theory has legs.
3. When a pigeon feels the onset of his (or her) final minutes, he (or she) uses the last bit of energy to mount a bid for Pigeon Heaven. This is really really high up. The pigeon flies up and actually achieves escape velocity. And eventually reaches pigeon heaven. The Kuiper Belt is entirely comprised of dead pigeons.
4. There are dedicated crews of dead pigeon cleaner uppers in every major area of pigeon populace: Trafalgar Square, London: St Mark's Square, Venice: The Railway Tunnel on Leeman Road, York. People are employed in these places to find, collect and give proper Christian burial to all deceased ex-pigeons.
5. "I can see dead pigeons". Like Haley-Joel-Osmond, I see the dead. Unlike him, I see only dead pigeons - everyone else in the world is stepping over decomposing dead bird bodies all the time. I am too, but I don't see the bodies, I see living, vibrant, pigeon ghosts.
So I think it must be one of those. In an attempt to make some money, I've done extensive research and developed a series of pigeon actuarial mortality tables. They are based on data from the early 90s (mainly from Sheffield where I lived then) and there are currently two tables - Pigeon Bird 92 (Blokes) aka PB92(B) and Pigeon Bird 92 (Birds) aka PB92(B). I'm hoping to be able to sell them to some of the many pigeon life insurance societies of Great Britain, who so far have been struggling as they do not have a good model for pigeon mortality.
Here's an exclusive extract from PB92(M):
x qx
1 0
2 0
3 0
4 0
5 0
. .
. .
I can provide full copies of both tables, for a small fee. Let me know. I'm also working on a Select version, which I hope to have ready by the end of this year.
Yesterday I think I may have actually seen a dead pigeon by the Post Office. However, since he was in one piece, and I was hardly going to look for a pulse, I just assumed he was not dead, and just in fact, resting. Or maybe passed out after a heavy session of binge drinking. But I'll keep my eyes open for more sightings. I am not too proud to, in the future, come out and say "I was wrong - pigeons do die and they do leave bodies".
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5 comments:
Nice post. But I do have a slight disagreement. I have seen dead pigeons but usually only run over by cars etc. So perhaps you need to allow for this effect. ie you need to make a Makeham adjustment to your mortality table. (thats almost as sad as your mortality table)
A few more thoughts. If Pigeons didnt die why arent we overrun with pigeons (even more than Trafalger square). I know there might be an extremely low birth rate - I cant rememeber seeing any really tiny pigeons. But when in the museum gardens some of the pigeons do look a bit frisky.
Also if pigeons dont die what do they put in pigeon pies??
I think you have answered the first of your own questions. We are not overrun by pigeons because not only do pigeons never die, but no new pigeons are ever born. Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No, you haven't - they do not exist. This leads to a remarkably stable pigeon population, which is why they do not conduct a UK pigeon census every 10 years like they do with humans.
"Pigeon Pie" is one of those foods, like "Toad in the Hole" whose name is a bit misleading. It is actually made with Quail meat.
That was the same "dead" pigeon that I saw yesterday! I should possibly have written "sorting office" rather than "post office". Well, I think a single dead pigeon can be explained away as a statistical anomaly.
Almost all dead pigeons fall down behind fires. They found one like that in my dad's school. To clarify, my dad doesn't go to school: he works in one as a "groundskeeper" (ie caretaker)
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