10 Things I Hate About York

Hate is such a strong word. I'd have gone with "Mildly Annoy Me", but then the title wouldn't have been a variant on a popular Julia Stiles film. So just bear with it, people.

1. I have to work here
I don't mean that I dislike having to work in York, merely that it is the only city in the world that whilst I am in it, I generally have to spend eight or nine twenty-fourths of five-sevenths of my week in an office. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my work (most of the time). But sometimes it would be nice to be a man of leisure. I could take up lacrosse, pony trekking or astro-engineering.

2. Late meetings where Thomas the Tank Engine is a Discussion Topic
This one should speak for itself, really. I'm in a meeting with some boss-types at around half six in the evening, I blink twice and the conversation switches to old Thomas for 5 minutes. These are minutes that I could have spent at home later, but now I can't. I wouldn't mind, but I don't have anything to add to that conversation. I don't have a favourite train or favourite episode, and I don't have kids that watch it on video all the time, annoying me with the irritating-yet-curiously-catchy theme tune. Dee dee dee dee, dee dee deeeeee...

3. The Whistle Men
Recently in the centre of town, two men have appeared. They sell really obnoxious little whistles which you can secrete in your mouth and then make noises like a diseased bird. One of the men wears an Alice band and looks like a scruffier version of Stuart from Big Brother 5. The other is probably his friend. They are always together, selling the darn whistles to kids who can then spread round town and annoy me in places where Scruffy-Stuart and his friend aren't. People like them should be selling Proper Strong Drugs to kids, not silly whistles. Oh hang on, maybe the whistles are just a front...

4. Tourists With Cameras on Lendal Bridge
It's just a bridge! You don't really want to take a photo of your friend standing on it. Go over there and take a photo in that corner instead. It's much nicer. You're lucky I'm a tolerant citizen that will stand and wait whilst the photo is taken. Some people would just walk right through your picture, not caring whether your camera was digital or not. -*-click-*- Ha! Now you've snapped me you foreign person, you. Stop it!

5. The York Caravan Festival
At this time of year, the Knavesmire fills with caravans and motorhomes. Millions of the buggers. This doesn't really annoy me too much, but it does cause problems for a couple of colleagues at work, who find their bus journeys home to be much slower due to the heavy mobile-home type traffic. So this one was for them. Incidentally - don't get me started on caravans.

6. A Lack of a proper City Centre Supermarket
And no: Budgens still doesn't count, it's too small. M&S doesn't count, it only sells one brand. The Cornish Pasty Bakery doesn't count (for most of us), it only sells pasties.

7. Bears
There are bloody bears everywhere. Just walking round York like they own the place, like they belong here. It's been a long time since I dared carry a picnic basket around town.

8. The Sun, In My Eyes
As I walk down the Leeman Road of a morning, the sun is low in the sky. It shines brightly there, pouring its deadly rays into my eyes and all over the rest of my body. Sometimes this makes it quite hard to see the road, the path and the cars. It makes it quite hard to read car number plates consecuively. Even if I have my sunglasses with me (which is less and less likely at this time of year), it is still uncomfortably bright. I say we should just put the bally thing out for good and just go round carrying torches like the cavemen used to. This might also trick the bears into going into permanent hibernation. Ha! Two birds with one stone there, I think.

9. Coffee Shops in Non-Coffee Shops
This started in bookshops, but is spreading. An otherwise normal shop wakes up one morning and realises what it has been missing all these years. A coffee shop! Doh! How could they have been so stupid all these years? Yes, WH Smiths, I'm talking about you. It's bad enough that there's a Starbucks on every single side street and a Costa Coffee on every cobbled corner, but they surely don't need to be inside proper shops too? What would really increase sales is a proper licensed bar. It has to be much easier to sell special offers to a drunk person than a sober person. Mind you, I think the shops'd be better off spending the money on bear-traps instead.

10. Hotmail as a Common Noun
Somebody at work today was referring to their web-based email account as their "Hotmail". But: it wasn't the Microsoft owned idiot service, it was a completely different one. They were using "Hotmail" as if it meant all web-based mail services. Has Hotmail really become a genericized trademark like Hoover, Tippex, Walkman or Death Star? I really hope not. Sorry that this one isn't very York-Specific, but I've never been annoyed by this anywhere else before, so it counts. Especially as it was really, really pissing me off!

Ok, I've finished complaining now. Thanks for staying this long. And watch out for the bears.