The people in the news and government etc seem to be warning us of a potential Al Qaeda attack here in the UK. Scary stuff. So I've been thinking about ways that we can help mitigate any adverse effects from such a strike. Here are Lint's top 10 ways of avoiding harm from terrorists:
1. Chemical and biological attacks can potentially be quite nasty. They may cause skin irritation or lead to a mild cough. However, extensive research has led me to believe that there is a simple potential solution: the damp cloth hankerchief. Simply placing said item over your nose and mouth guarantees to stop all known small scale items entering your system. I am yet to determine whether monographed hankies have additional helpful properties - watch this space.
2. Terrorists sometimes use disguises in order to pass unnoticed in our society. This means that anyone could be a bad person. The man who sold you the newspaper this morning. The woman who checked your ticket on the train. The guy jogging by the lake earlier. The small boy stood 4 ft behind you at the moment (no! don't look, it'll alert him!). Hence you need a foolproof method of terrorist detection. Here's the one I recommend: If you suspect someone of being a terrorist, Shoot Them Dead with your crossbow. Then there is no way they will commit an heinous act, even if they had no intention of doing so in the first place (this tip sponsored by George and Tony).
3. Avoid dark places. I've seen a lot of films and often bad stuff happens to people in dark places (caves, attics, cinemas, KFC etc). Terrorists do bad stuff. Hence you will maximise your chances of survival by staying out of the dark. Thinking about this more closely, you may lengthen your life by staying out of KFC full stop.
4. Live in a quiet hamlet miles from any likely targets. You'll be safe from terrorism. Sadly though, if English crime novels are to believed, this will give you maybe a 90% chance of being murdered by somebody that nobody suspected until page 254. A similar thing happens on TV crime dramas, but you need to replace "page 254" with "the 84th minute".
5. Practice running away from loud noises really quickly.
6. It's common knowledge that 86.3% of terrorists have beards. If you see a bearded gentleman or lady near you, it is therefore your responsibility to alert all people near you to this fact. Recommended phrases are "Excuse me - there's a man over there with facial hair! Be on your guard!", "Watch out everyone, we may have a beard situation" and "Arrrggghhhh! I have the fear! Help! Beard! Help!".
7. To avoid being caught in a terrorist incident, simply avoid all likely places that could be targeted. And also avoid all other people - they might be suicide bombers, or smelly. I make no promises that this is easy, but a couple of good safe hang outs spring to mind - Lincolnshire is an obvious one, as nothing interesting ever has or ever will happen there. Also The Moon should be reasonably safe for a few years, but you will need to provide your own Human-suitable environment, and watch out for the Monolith. They are already 3 years late discovering it, but we all know it's there...
8. Keep practising the running away - really, it's important! Run!
9. Stay away from bins. These are apparently great places to put explosive devices which is why they were all removed from our train stations years and years ago. There are still bins elsewhere however, and they could be dangerous so try and stay as far away from them as possible. If you need to dispose of rubbish, either practise throwing it into a bin from a safe distance (ie approximately 4 miles), or work on becoming one of those people who can eat anything - paper, cardboard, metal, plastic etc. Also, this skill will impress your friends at parties! (Do you go to parties much? Can I come please?).
10. Persuade your governments and all the other governments and all the people everywhere to just try being nice to each other all the time. Radical, I know.
These 10 simple tips should help to make the UK a safer place. Play nicely everyone!
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