Here's the essay

So anyway, I was on this pub crawl/quiz/treasure hunt last week and I wrote an essay. Here now, for the first time on the interweb is the full text. Sadly it's not quite as funny as it seemed at the time, but there's beer for you. Cheers to the organisers for typing it up.

Hansel and Gretel, victims or vandals? Discuss.

The story of Hansel and Gretel has caused argument amongst many of the finest minds of the 20th Century. Freud, Chomsky and Lenin all had differing opinions. The passage of time helps us to put more perspective on the events that unfolded back in 832AD. We can now see that Chomsky and Lenin were numbskulls. Freud alone had the right idea when he said in his 1960 paper 'Why Hansel should have been shot', "Hansel and Gretel are nothing better than pikey scum. Lock them all up I say!"

When Hansel went out on that fateful day he had no intention of being 'lost'. He'd been aware for weeks that his stepmother was planning to kill him and his cute little sister. So in the weeks beforehand he explored every inch of the forest. Simon Schama says in The History of Britain: "Hansel explored every inch of the forest".

What he found in the forest, Hansel saw as a potential saviour. A Gingerbread House! It would contain enough food to sustain him and his sister for many months - Hansel at this point set on his course. He would eat that house. That's what he's gonna do. He's gonna eat that house. He had no regard for any owner. All he cared about was his own well-being.

History is murky about how Hansel managed to bribe the poor man sent into the forest to kill him and his poorer sibling. It's likely he'd stolen some gold and used this. Michael Palin, in 'Pole to Pole' wrote: "To this day the name Hansel is synonymous with Thief in some European countries". But bribe the man he did, and he escaped. Wasting no time, they headed straight for the mana cottage. Did he knock? Did he whistle? Did he leave a post-it note on the fridge? No! They Both started eating. Hammer and tongues. (They needed the hammer to break the gingerbread). Further evidence against Hansel is that he had a hammer with him (also probably stolen).

When poor Miss Minogue returned home, it's no wonder she was angry. She'd been cooking that house for over thirty years! It was her mother's pride and her joy. She straight away tried to call the police, but sadly phones had not yet been invented. Neither had the police. JK Rowling in 'Harry Potter VII: Evil never Dies' says "Harry was not happy with Hermione that Friday".

So the old dear resorted to the only means of self defense she knew: Baking. Locking Hansel and Gretel in the oven was the only way she knew to protect her heritage. It is diabolical that Hansel then managed to evilly turn the tables and bake the Minogue line off for good.

He and his sister escaped, but their evil has since led to all manner of atrocities! Bosnia, Britney Spears and Vernon Kaye can all be directly traced from Hansel's actions. Evil! It is clear that Hansel was Evil Evil. He was a vandal. The only victim was Mrs Minogue. And the annals of history. My opinion is right. EVIL I SAY!!!!
VANDAL!!!
VANDAL!!!