I wish my ears were full of wax

First, I need to say that I'm watching it because I'm in, I'm not in so that I can watch it. That would be sick.

On Saturday, Turkey hosts the 49th Eurovision Song Contest. Live from Istanbul (not Constantinople). This is an annual contest where most of the countries in Europe, plus a few hangers on (Israel, some of the old USSR places and others) all sing a lovely little ditty in the hope that they'll win votes from all the other countries, win and be able to host the contest in their own dirty little country next year. And possibly bankrupt themselves in the process.

This is a popular contest. So popular that the number of entrants has been growing each year. This year there are 36 in total. That is 36 solo singing freaks, groups of singing freaks, odd rapping men and James Fox, the UK entrant. Obviously he is great, no bias here, no siree. 36 is a lot of songs, so much so that now for the first time ever, they are holding a semi-final. Tonight. 22 of the lesser countries will be whittled down to just 10, leaving 24 (?) finalists for Saturday night.

Now the standard of Eurovision songs is generally not high. In fact often the only things worse are the costumes, the freaks who perform the songs and the presenters. So given that today's program features acts worse than the normal dross in the main event, I simply cannot find words here to describe some of the things I'm seeing and hearing.

Let me try with whichever the next song up is. It's Monaco. A song called "Our Planet", sung by Maryon. She's wearing a purple cape with little lights on it. That has now been removed. Euro dance beat kicks in. She's dressed oddly like Meg White - white top, red trousers. No idea what she's singing about, it's in foreign. And slightly out of tune. Some dancers are doing those jumps like the kids from Fame. Now she's prancing around the stage, leading into a chorus. Not it's not a chorus, it's a slow bit. "ohhh ohhhh ohhhh" she caterwauls. Give her some credit though, apparently she's only 16 and a half. This moment will scar her for the rest of her life.

And that happens 23 other times tonight. And oh Lord, it's getting worse. And the next even worse. Looks like it's being performed by Xena, Warrior Process. Sounds like a small child stuck in a washing machine with several metal pans.

The worst thing is that I'm going to have to hear ten of these uber-bad compositions on Saturday when I host the annual Eurovision party for the second year running. What's the word.... Oh yes, masochism.

If I don't write anything here tomorrow night it is probably because my brain has imploded in pure horror and disbelief. Wish me luck. Oh, and good luck to James Fox as well.