Today marks the twelfth day of Christmas, and yet again, my True Love has let me down. I expectantly opened my curtains and looked outside this morning, and what do I see? Sod all. I'd forgotten to open the blinds.
So I expectantly opened the blinds and looked outside, and what do I see? Still sod all. Where I expect to see pipers, drummers, geese and French maids, all I see are some cars and an office supplies shop. Neither of which are meant as presents for me.
"Where's my partridge, you BITCH?" I shouted. "I want my FUCKING LEAPING LORDS!". But it was to no use, she couldn't hear me.
And you know why she couldn't hear me? Was it
a) She was still locked in the trunk in the wardrobe? (go to page 28)
b) I'd lopped off her ears with a carving knife last Christmas? (go to page 103)
c) She is purely a pigment of my eye-magination? (go to page 323)
d) She lives in the next village and I don't really love her but I like to stalk her sometimes. She likes going down the market on a Thursday morning. I watch her buy vegetables and honey... ? (go to page 4)
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