Olympic Bid, 2012 (*)

It's a shame that only cities are allowed to make bids to hold the olympics. Individuals should be allowed to make bids too. I have every reason to believe that I, for example, could hold the 2012 Olympic games in my flat, here in York. The sporting facilities I have here are first class, world class, top class and the envy of all my neighbours. And their neighbours too.

It would be just as good here as say, London. Let's consider the facts:

1. Transport in London is a right pain. The roads are congested and the Underground system is busy enough at the moment as it is. Imagine how much worse things would be with the Olympics going on! My flat on the other hand is normally devoid of all traffic. The transport system is highly efficient - for example, to get from the living room to the bedroom, you open a door, go down the hallway, open another door and you're there. And you don't even have to pay! It's the easiest commute in the world.

2. After you've been to see sport in London, you may want to go for a drink. But how busy are the bars? Madness! You can queue for hours just to get a pint. In my flat this will not be a problem. Simply enter the kitchen, grab a beer from the fridge and then sit around and relax in a comfortable atmosphere with good music and good company (ie me). You are also guaranteed to not receive your change on a little metal plate. You may not even have to pay if I like you!

3. Normally TV coverage costs millions of pounds for the TV companies to set up and run. All that expense of cameramen, TV rights, vans and satellites. None of that would be an issue here! I am willing to take a couple of days off work and film everything on my digital camera. I can then download it to the laptop, and send it all over the world, instantly, on the InterWeb! Yes, I would do this for the world!

And that's just for starters. But I know what you're thinking. You're sold that I can offer the transport and the hospitality, but what are my sporting facilities like? They're great! Here's what I can offer:

Swimming: My bath is nearly a metre and a half long, and can be filled to a depth of nearly 18 inches. This compares well to most so called "Olympic Size" swimming pools. I can also offer warmer water than most other pools, though I would obviously do an "elbow test" before allowing athletes to enter the water. Safety first!

Athletics: The ideal place for most of the events will be the living room. The many square feet of space available will be fine for any of the standard events (eg 100m, Javelin or Triple Jump). There will be two exceptions here: the Marathon will likely need to extend into the hallway, due to the exceptional length of this race, and the Triathalon will need to make use of the swimming facilities in either the bathroom or the kitchen (if the bathroom is in use).

Gymnastics: The obvious location for this is the bedroom - the bed will make an excellent soft thing to land on, should one of the short, weirdly stunted, gymnasts fall to the floor in error. I think it would be possible to hang Rings from the ceiling, and a Horse could be installed by the wardrobe. The wardrobe itself would make an excellent spectator area, though I may have to clear out some boxes first.

Team Based Events Like Football: In the car park, obviously.

There are a lot of other events at the Olympics, but I hope that this gives an indication of how I could easily fit in most of the main events. I'm sure that some of the other locals might be persuaded to lend the use of their hallways too if required. I will say though, that if I'm honest, I haven't worked out where I'd hold the horse events.

The final thing I have to offer is a fine Olympic Village. I envisage that this could be set up in my spare room for minimal expense. And if the athletes asked nicely, I would even be willing to turn on the heating.

So I hope I've convinced you of my worth and ability in this matter. If you'd like to support my bid, then please email that Olympic Committee thing. Though I couldn't find their email address. It's like they're avoiding me...


* Please note that this bid is subject to me being allowed to shrink all the athletes to a tiny size using some equipment from the film Inner Space that I bought on eBay. It won't hurt them much.