Some Information About A Tunnel

About halfway between my flat and the town centre, there is a tunnel which passes below a railway line. It's quite a dark intimidating tunnel, and doesn't have many redeeming features at all apart from the fact that it is dry when it's raining. Except for the bits where the roof drips. It's approximately 100m long - just so that you can have an accurate picture in your mind.

Now with it being a tunnel which, by definition, has walls, it is prone to receiving graffiti. I certainly don't condone graffiti (indeed I can barely spell it) but within the last week some drawings have appeared which make the tunnel seem much more friendly. There are now, at irregular intervals, several doors drawn on the walls. Some also have windows next to them. One has a welcome mat. It now feels more like walking down a friendly suburban street (though with an element of Hobbiton - that might just be me) than a dark evil tunnel. Well done Mr Vandal. Now perhaps you could turn your talents to something more useful.

There is another option to get into town. If one takes the left side of the street rather than the right side, you instead reach the road tunnel which the cars go through. This is potentially a safer feeling route, as at least were you to be accosted by an evil mugger there would probably be cars driving past. They wouldn't stop, but at least there could be witnesses to your death. This route does however have one big drawback. The road tunnel has a huge pigeon infestation (as in many normal size pigeons rather than one large psychotic giant pigeon. I'll talk about her another day...). This means that you are at big risk of being splattered by pigeon s**t. And splattered by pigeon s**t is not how I like to turn up to work (or indeed to anywhere else). So I normally take the tunnel. The nice tunnel with the friendly doors.

On a totally different topic, today was February 29th (if you don't believe me check the date above the post). This means that any nice young lady could have proposed marriage (or maybe just a cuddle) to me today and I would have been legally obliged to accept. And not one did. Exactly the same thing happened 4 years ago (though I was with H then, and she might have got annoyed if I'd accepted marriage proposals). Oh well, back to plan A. (Unless the next half hour before midnight goes differently to how I expect).

Note to self: Please get a life

It seems that for once, I am tune with the British people. James Fox (who, like a sad muppet) I voted for, will be this year's UK Eurovision entrant. I'm almost excited - It's like I now have a personal stake in the competition, as I, yes, I me, chose the song. I also found I have a song by the future Euro Winner on my iPod. Utterly tragic. It's a cover of Aztec Camera's classic, Somewhere In My Heart.

Dreams vs Reality

It's strange how the things we dream about can sometimes differ markedly from what we consciously desire. Which one is to be trusted most? Answers on a postcard...

Note to self: Get a life

I'm currently watching one of the most important programmes that will be shown on British TV this year. Not really. It's "Making Your Mind Up", where the UK's entry for this year's Eurovision song contest will be chosen. It's a bit rubbish, but compelling, just like the actual contest itself. There are six songs to choose from, and the hope is that the winner will be at least better than last year's entrants who managed to score zero points on the night. This is a feat only previously achieved by Norway.

Of the ones I've seen so far, Song 2 seems best. Because it had a guitar. It was sung by James Fox, a guy who failed to win Fame Academy last year. Is that the sound of the bottom of a barrel being scraped I can hear? Other entrants include Haifa (who failed to win Pop Idol a few years back), and a chap who used to be in a boyband, whose name I forget, but I think it may have had an "x" in it. And some other people too of equally "high" quality.

[it is now a few minutes later] I've seen all the songs now. I think I'll vote for Mr Fox (though I'm sure I'd be better off ignoring the whole thing and not getting involved). If you would also like to vote for Mr Fox, just dial 09011 988 002. And: boom - 10p gone for ever.

I like sleep

Woke up with headache. Had a bowl of muesli, half a packet of chcolate chip cookies and a couple of alka-seltzer and went back to sleep.

In yesterday's post, I mentioned that I was not expecting much of the pubs on last night's pub crawl/treasure hunt/quiz. Expectations were fully met. There are good reasons why these places are quiet on a Friday night! Had a fun evening though - I got to write an essay with the title "Hansel and Gretel: Victims or Vandals?". That's probably the first time I have ever used the words "fun" and "essay" in the same sentence. I'd reprint it here, except that it was handwritten and I don't have it anymore.

For reference, here are the places we visited (or at least the ones I remember): The Corner Pin, The York Arm, The Hole in the Wall, The Cross Keys, The K Bar, Buzz, The Little John Inn, The Golden Fleece, The Northern Wall and The Three Tuns. Actually, they're not all bad. Just most of them.

What shall I do this evening... More beer! What a fine idea. It's a good job that I don't have anything important to do at weekends.

Harmonica Warning

It snowed again last night. So another slippy slidy day ahead. I can see a cat outside. He seems to be walking about fine. I wish I had the balance of a cat. Or maybe I just need claws or something.

If you are out in York this evening, you may be unlucky enough to hear the sound of a rusty harmonica (key of b flat) floating through the air. This will not be me, but it could well be near me. I apologise to everyone for this now. It's just that when someone said "Can I borrow a harmonica?", I forgot to say "No, I do not own such an instrument". Must learn that one...

We are doing a pub crawl this evening, notionally in fancy dress but with it being Friday night, quite busy, and we don't want to get beaten up, we are in very toned down fancy dress. So much so that you may not even realise it's there upon seeing us. The theme the organisers had originally chosen was Fairy Tales. However, this now seems to have migrated towards Dungeons & Dragons, so there will be various parties of adventurers getting a bit tipsy around what we're promised are "quiet pubs on Friday nights" (ie probably rubbish ones). If this is not the case, I'll correct it tomorrow. I am a Rogue. So I am dressed entirely (yes, entirely) in black. Sometimes I do that anyway. Sadly my thiefly plans for sneaking around in dark places could well be scuppered by the fact that everywhere is very White today.

The harmonica user is our bard. Don't see why he can't just use a lute like a normal bard.

Extreme Noise Terror

I've got hold of GarageBand for the Mac. This is a program which essentially transforms the computer into a complete recording studio, complete with a tonne of ready made loops and instruments should you not have any of your own. I do have some of my own - two guitars, an ocarina and my voice. So now I have the capability to record songs in my own living room/bedroom and inflict them on the world. I haven't had a chance to play around too much yet, but I did manage to lay down a kickin' version of The Drugs Don't Work. Well, maybe not that great really, but it was fun. And I managed to cunningly make it sound like I hadn't had to stop and turn the page halfway through.

Playing around with it has actually made me understand the recording process a bit more - like for example why they always wear those stupid headphones when recording vocals. I first laid down my guitar track (using the guitar) and then when I tried to add a vocal track, I found that the guitar sound gets picked up again as you sing. But: If you play the guitar back through the headphones, you get a much cleaner vocal recording. It also prevents feedback when you turn the monitor (note: not a computer monitor. Or a milk monitor) on. Possibly not a great late night hobby for me though, the neighbours may not enjoy the sound of me as much as I do.

[Incidentally, at school, we had monitors for everything. Milk monitors, computer monitors, door monitors, snogging monitors, minstrel monitors, the list goes on and on. Being a monitor gave you a break from standard school work. Wouldn't be great if we had monitors at work! Every lunchtime for example you could go and be a mail monitor and inspect all the post. Or you could stand by the front door and check everyone had their tie done up properly! Think of all the respect you'd get from your peers.... But I digress]

So now I have the ability to make mp3s of me! And take them anywhere I want on the iPod. This is the most egotistical thing since I worked out how to make the computer read my blog back to me in a daft computer voice (called Bruce). Now next time I have an idea for a song, I can actually bring the dream to fruition! A new target for myself... Christmas no 1: 2004?

Badly won tickets

Looks like I sadly didn't win tickets to see the free Badly Drawn Boy gig at Fibbers (See post of 27 Jan 2004). At least it avoids problems of who to give the other ticket to. Kind of a shame though as it would have been a good night.

There is a very cold wind out on the streets tonight. Very very cold. Now that I am inside, I'm glad I am no longer outside. In the cold wind. Because it was very cold and unpleasant. Did I mention it was cold? And windy? It was windy cold.

Subliminal Stick Use

I went out for Sushi last night (and actually had some raw fish (sashami?) but that is not for discussion today). It was a bit odd because for the whole evening, it felt like I had someone else's hands. Like most Eastern food, Sushi is eaten with chopsticks which normally I have huge problems with. Last night however, I had no problems at all. I could pick up battered prawns, bits of lettuce, fish, rice and wine. Actually, not wine, that would be stupid. The only explanation for my new found proficiency was that I've been dreaming about foreign food and have somehow sleep-learnt to use the sticks. This doesn't seem likely. I don't normally dream of food.

County Karma

It has snowed again in the night. Only a little so far. Doesn't look too slippy so I won't have to do too much complaining.
Apparently Lincolnshire has had a lot more. Good. Serves it right.

It's Sunday! Hello Sunday!

Last night I managed to advance one of my long term goals. Very slightly. I met a chap from York university, who is studying Physics and Astrophysics. He wants to join NASA. He may have been lying. I attempted to convince him of the need to take an actuary into space, on either the Moon or Mars missions. I am not sure that he was convinced, but the idea has now been planted. Mayhap he'll mention it to someone in the NASA administration, and remember that here in England is an actuary who is willing to go into space. The dream lives on...

Completely unrelatedly: It was interesting to see that 80s rock band, The Alarm, have managed to sneak their way back into the charts by releasing their new single under a pseudonym - The Poppyfields. They got an unkown young (Welsh?) band to mime on the video, and the song has had a load of airplay on the radio, airplay that one can only suspect would not have been given had the true artist been known. Don't think I've heard it myself. It does pose a worrying thought though. What if a lot of the great new bands around at the moment are actually 80s rockers in disguise? Could Keane really be Big Country? Are Franz Ferdinand actually The Police? Are Foreigner moonlighting in Stellastarr*? I think those three are safe as I've seen them live and didn't spot Sting anywhere (thank goodness), but we must all be alert!

Snoozy woozy day

I have done very little of note today. Lots of sleeping. Might do some more tomorrow as I have no major plans for the day.

The only thing I can think of that I will need to do is to fill in an application form to go on some new BBC gameshow. Can't see us getting through ("A team of actuaries... they'll be fun!") but it's worth a shot. Quite amusingly, the lady at the BBC who sent us the applications sent us four copies of the application form, one for each team member. If this had been in the post, it would have made perfect sense, and saved us a bit of photocopying. However, she had sent them by email, and attached the form four times. Some people are yet to catch up with the modern world.

Stop...

It was disappointing to hear the sad news today that Mark and Lard are leaving Radio 1 after 10 years. I've been listening to them for most of that time (not so much in the last couple of years though, what with having to be at work and no longer having study afternoons). But they will still be on the radio albeit not together. Bye lads! ...Carry on.

I've been away. But I came back.

I've just got back from a brief overnight visit to Norwich, where I was helping out with a graduate assessment centre. It's quite a long way from here... pretty much four hours each direction. Got to stay in a lovely hotel with free breakfast, lunch and dinner though, so can't complain too much.

I think it was the first time I had been back to East Anglia for probably around a year and a half. Didn't really get to see much though as the hotel was a few miles out of the town centre. From what I could tell though, it hadn't changed too much and it was still raining. Really hard. Hotel bar was good last night. As often seems to be the way, me and me homeboys were the last ones in it. Probably should have been in bed really given that I had to be all professional today. Luckily I shomehow managed to avoid a hangover.

Thinking about it slightly more, one thing had changed. There is now a flyover crossing the evil roundabout in Kings Lynn - it avoids the whole stinky thing. Shame they can't put one over Lincolnshire too.

Permission to rant

Rant Commences. I do like The Darkness, but in no way should they have won Best Album at The Brits last night. I know The Brits (like most awards ceremonies) are a bit daft, but there were many better albums released last year. So many that I can't be bothered to list any of them here. And as for Busted... End of (short) rant.

At least ten wasted minutes...

There is a shop that many of you will have heard of: It is called Marks & Spencer. I sometimes shop there for lunch. Today it annoyed me twofold:

1) Evil store reorganisation: All sandwiches and salads have moved to a different part of the store. I wasted part of my life searching for a salad. I do not need that.
2) Having purchased said tasty salad, they had run out of plastic forks. I had to use a plastic teaspoon instead. It was a noodle salad. I have enough problems with noodles at the best of times. Stupid slippy worm-like food. Eating them with a tiny plastic teaspoon is not my idea of fun. Perserverance is needed, and persevere I did. And probably took an extra five minutes compared to eating it with a fork. That is another five minutes of my life gone... I should sue.

So you may be thinking: "Wow! He's had an awful day. I hope it wasn't all bad and that maybe something nice happened to him too". You might well think that; I couldn't possibly comment.

Tropi-cool, Icy Icy

My mini desk move at work seems to have gone successfully over the weekend. I think I slightly preferred the old position - I had a better view of the Minster. I managed to get in early enough to claim my special big chair from the random desk it had migrated to, otherwise I would have sulked all day. We also now have our secretary sitting next to us rather than in a building half a mile away. That has to be a good thing.

There didn't seem to be any albums of note released today, which is always disappointing. Several good singles, though it was disappointing that The Fiery Furnaces new one was not amongst them. Tropi-cool, tropi-cool. Tropi-cool, Icy, icy. Genius. There were some new Belle & Sebastian songs (on the new B&S single oddly enough) so that made me happy. Not that I started the day feeling sad - as I said earlier, I had managed to retrieve my Big Chair. It has arms.

Watch out, the world's behind you

It's nice to actually wake up on a Sunday morning without a hangover. You can get up at a sensible time (ie before 10am) and do lots of things. Like going to Sainsburys. And reading some book. And finally working out how to upgrade the software in my iPod. The trick seems to be to reset the thing, whilst it is plugged into the Mac, and then run the updater. I think the Mac was getting a bit confused as the pod had originally been set up on a PC. Anyway it works now which means I have a better battery icon and a Music Quiz Game. No idea how that works, but I'll find out soon once all the music is copied back over.

Readers with good memories will recall how I mentioned that whilst playing Head Over Heels the other day, it coincidentally came on the radio. It happened again yesterday! This time it came on during Donnie Darko whilst I was playing HOH. It's very strange - I've been playing Chrono Trigger a lot recently and not once has a song with that title been played simultaneously. It's mighty strange. Maybe Pink was right - God is a DJ, and he likes old Speccy games (I think that last bit was in a verse that was cut from the recorded version).

I live close to the National Railway Museum - one of York's premier tourist attractions. Currently it is VERY busy as they have Thomas The Tank Engine (and friends) there. The kids seem to like this for some reason. For the rest of us, it's a very bad time to visit for two reasons: 1) it is very busy (I think I mentioned that already); 2) You have to pay to get in! Normally entry is free, but whilst Thomas is around all visitors must find Seven English Pounds and hand them over to the Nice Lady. That's on top of the slightly extortionate Five Pounds car-parking charge (which applies even when Thomas has gone away to wherever it is that scary blue trains go to). What with the Minster now charging for entry as well, York is a lot more expensive than it used to be.

If I was slightly more entrepreneurial, I might be tempted to go and stand by the road and rent out my own parking space here at the flat for a more reasonable four pounds. I could probably get a couple of different cars in each day, a nice little earner. Although I suspect that I could earn better money by doing my actual job. And then I get to sit in a nice warm office rather than stand out on the street touting for business. I don't do that anymore.

Oh my God, she killed Ken

It was saddening to read in the paper today that after many many years, Barbie and Ken have split up. Mattel claim that they just "drifted apart". Celebrity relationships are always under a lot of pressure, and so it is amazing that this one lasted as long as it did. I wish them both luck for the future.

One can only hope that this won't lead to a load of copycat breakups from other toys seeking a bit of publicity. If I read tomorrow that Mr Potato Head has split from Mrs Potato Head I'll be quite lacking in sympathy for them.

Who stole the weekend?

Cheers tonight guys. Now I have confusion.

Keep on movin' on anyway

I've got a desk move at work this weekend. Not a huge one, I'm moving approximately 1- 2m. Despite this, we still have to put all our possessions in crates, put stickers on all the IT equipment and generally get disrupted. We do potentially get to finish for the day at 4pm though, as long as I've finished what I need to finish today. Arguably I should be heading there now rather than writing this. That's a good idea. Bye!

The Lint Dynasty Grows...

I had some good news recently which I can now let loose on the world. I am going to be an uncle! My little (soon to be much bigger) sister is having a young baby. I'm not sure what its name will be yet, so for now I'll call it "The-yet-to-be-born-niece-or-nephew-of-mine", or Yet-To for short. Maybe the name will stick and become its permanent name.

Yet-To will be my first niece or nephew, mainly because I have only the one sister, and this will be her first. I do however have some experience of young babies through my ex's sister. I am therefore aware that it will be a while before the baby is able to do anything interesting like speak, fall over or mathematics. Mostly it will gurgle, cry and make a lot of mess. But (apart from certain people who were never young) we were all babies once, and the best we can do now is be nice to the little blighters and try not to drop them too often.

Once the babies get older they turn into Children which can be both much more fun and much more annoying. Here are the top 5 advantages of having children:

1. You get to buy lots of toys. I tend to do this anyway, but some people need an excuse.
2. You get to watch cartoons. Again, I do this anyway.
3. Christmas regains its lost magic. Possibly not in this over-commercialised day and age, but one can dream...
4. You have someone to do the washing up for you.
5. You finally get to find out what goes on at school parents evenings.

I expect there'll be more baby related postings here in the current months.

And finally some advice for bringing out the best in Yet-To courtesy of Radio 4's Sunday Format:
"Ideally you should have more than one child so that they can be played off against one another. Only one need become creative, so if the others develop psychotic tendencies, fine, they can be offloaded into the mental health system, and the fees for psychiatric treatment set off against tax."

Even Jesus never went this long

It has now been 43 nights since I last had a coffee. No ill effects have been noticed, I don't seem to feel any more/less tired than before, I'm not sleeping any better/worse than before, but I am using far less teaspoons. I haven't particularly missed the brown stuff. I've replaced it with a mixture of fruit tea, peppermint tea, green tea and the odd normal tea. And (New Improved) Lift. Much more flavour variety. I still kinda object to paying 65p at work for a cup of mint tea (ie some hot water and a teabag), but then I could always get a free standard one from the machine.

I bring this coffee up for a reason though: Last night I had a dream. I and some other friends have been staying round at a friend's house on a Saturday night, and she offers us coffee. Being half-asleep at the time I say "yes", at which point I am given a coffee, and I drink it down in one! Nightmare! I realise straight away what'd I've done and experience the dream equivalent of mild disappointment and slight irritation. I'd claim that I woke up screaming but that would not, I say not, be true.

When will my coffee drought end? Will it be an intentional decision, perhaps in Starbucks? Will it be a momentary confused lapse as was foretold in the prophecy (my dream)? Or, like "The Mysterious Cities Of Gold", will it never end? (*)

* I know it did end eventually, but it felt like it was never going to. Everything ends. Apart from infinite things. And Neighbours.

A change is as good as a desk

Sometimes people feel like a change. Perhaps a holiday, or maybe something more drastic like moving into a houseboat. I have had a change today. I moved my table. It used to have the PC on it, now it is a dining table. It's like having a whole new living room. Of course, this does now mean I'm lacking something to put the computer on. I need to buy a computer desk. I kinda figured that my actions this evening would make the need more acute and lead to quicker action than I might make otherwise.

So my next job is to find a computer desk. But where? I think I have a solution. I have spotted just that over the road from where I live there is an office shop. It currently has a big sign up outside saying "Computer Desks". This may be just the ticket. And I will get away without needing a car to carry it home. Perfect. It's nice to have Saturday planned this early in the week.

Another good way to have a change is: Clean the bathroom and make it all sparkly. There's nothing as satisfying as a shiny bathroom (apart from possibly some things that involve girls. And crisps are nice too). To anyone reading this I say: Go now! Clean your bathroom! Make it sparkle! You'll feel better afterwards. I bet many of you haven't cleaned a bathroom for months. Possibly you haven't cleaned it since you moved in to your flat or house. It needs cleaning - Look at the dirt - Urggh! All you need is a damp cloth, some cleaning products and a bit of willpower. And arms. I say again - You'll feel better afterwards. And you will have earned a beer for yourself.

This post was sponsored by Cif: The New Name For Jif.

No fixed topic - I flit from one to another like a summer mayfly

I knew it was going to be a bad chair before I sat on it. The angle of the seat was wrong, and it was clearly far too low. But I did not let this stop me. I wheeled it into the meeting, and sat on it. It wobbled a bit, but eventually settled to a semi comfy level position. Until after about half an hour when with a loud "bang", the seat tipped and nearly spilled me to the floor. I knew it was going to be a bad chair.

My post this morning contained a replacement Switch card. This is probably a good thing as the old one was starting to get a bit manky. But. It's a different shade of blue! How will I ever manage to recognise it? Every time I open wallet in a shop in an attempt to actually pay for goods, I'll be momentarily convinced that I've lost it. I'll panic! The shop assistants will think I'm a mad old trout! AARRGGGHHH. It is a dilemma.

I have another dilemma too, but I will maybe save that for another night. It boils down to "Should I?" or "Shouldn't I?".

And finally, in other news today: Last week Janet Jackson was performing at The Superbowl with an over-exposed tit. And then he uncovered her breast! Boom and indeed Boom. Yes, welcome back to World of Lint where the jokes are a week late.

Dog Faced Creatures

Any male as old as myself (and possibly some girlies too) will have probably had some kind of home computer when they were a kid - most likely a Spectrum or Commodore of some kind. There were always a few freaks with Amstrads, but they were a minority. I even knew one kid who had an MSX. Poor lamb. One of the best games on the Spectrum was "Head Over Heels". This featured a thing called "Head" (who could jump high and fire doughnuts) and a different looking thing called "Heels" (who could run fast and carry items).

Head and Heels start the game imprisoned somewhere in Space (I think). They soon manage to escape from prison. This isn't actually very hard as there is a teleporter in the corner of each of their cells. Eventually they then meet up and Head can stand on top of Heels (to form Head over Heels) and they can then set out to overthrow four or five evil empires and save the universe. All good clean rollicking fun.

(Nice coincidence - as I write this, a clip of the Tears for Fears song, Head over Heels, is playing on the radio)

Anyway, some nice nerdy guys with time on their hands have written versions of the game for Windows and Mac, and they are great fun. The game is still bleedin' hard, but it is (slightly) more generous with saving games than I remember the original version to be. Everytime you pick up a reincarnation fish you get an extra save game to use. I think all they did in the original was change where you start from when you die (but I can't really remember). So now that it is possible for me to play through the game in more than one sitting, maybe I'll eventually get to the end (15 years is a long time for unfinished business).

The game (and others) is completely free and is available from the retrospec website.

Some good news: I have obtained a crossover cable and my computers are now sufficiently networked for my purposes (though I did have a bit of help).

The joy of nets

I've spent several long frustrating hours this afternoon attempting to network two computers together. With no success - neither one will recognise the other one. I think I have now worked out what the problem is - wrong kind of cable. Apparently there is a special "crossover cable" that is needed if you are linking two computer's directly together without a hub. They should teach this sort of thing in computer classes at school.

Slightly more excitingly, I have now borrowed an electric guitar. This came with a cable I can actually use. I haven't had a chance to have a proper play yet (as I've been pissing around with networks), but I suspect moving from acoustic to electric is unlikely to turn me into a guitar god (Zeus Springsteen?). Shame.

Whoosh!

Whoosh another week has sped by, leaving me damp and dripping on the doorstep of Friday. A (currently empty) weekend ahead of me. Just a little day of work to do first...

Hazard warning!

How many people in the UK are killed or maimed each year by the wing mirrors of buses? It surely must be a considerable number... For any pedestrian walking on the side of the pavement nearest the road, there is always imminent danger of a bus coming from behind, driving too close to the kerb and hitting you **whack** in the back of yer head with its mirror. It's a potential deathtrap and I'd write to my MP if I had the faintest idea who they were.

I guess short people are safe.

Happy anniversary to me!

Fourth of February 2003 was not a particularly pleasant day last year. Today we reach a whole year on...

So where am I now? A year on. A year older. Slightly wiser. Not sure how I expected to feel today - it's kinda nice to have it here and find that it's just another day, pretty similar to yesterday, pretty similar to how I expect tomorrow to be. The past year has definitely had some good points, especially in the second half, but I still don't think I'm as happy in myself as I used to be. But I am optimistic about the future, sometimes probably too optimistic. Hope? Hope is good.

I won't claim I'm not (still) quite bitter about things, but there comes a point when you realise things you feel aren't just going to step-change disappear one day, however much you might want them to. Fading happens, but slowly. Some people however remain complete scum.

And to those many others of you for whom last year was a bad 'un, for whatever reason - stick with it. We'll be ok.

Zeroth isn't even a proper word

My previous post made reference to the second law of thermodynamics. I've had a couple of discussions in the pub with people about this recently, trying to think what the three laws are. I don't think we ever managed it, mainly because there are actually four laws. It's no wonder we could never agree on them. So here, for reference are the "three laws of thermodynamics", taken from Scienceworld:

Zeroth Law: If two systems are in thermal equilibrium with a third system, then they must be in thermal equilibrium with each other.

First Law: Energy is conserved

Second Law: it is impossible for a system operating in a cycle to produce positive heat flow from a colder body to a hotter body.

Third Law: As temperature goes to 0, the entropy S approaches a constant. Furthermore, it guarantees that the entropy of a pure, perfectly crystalline substance is 0 if the absolute temperature is 0.

I think it is the second of these that leads to entropy tending to increase over time.

So in summary: For energy E, temperature T, pressure P, and volume V, with entropy S dE - T.dS + P.dV <= 0 .

Hopefully this will be the end of that one...

Knowledge drips slowly from your dying skull

I'm sure that when I was younger I had a much better grasp of physics than I do now. This was probably caused by studying it a lot, both at school and through university. Though some of the university stuff was very hard and I'm not sure I actually really understood it all even then. Although I think I must have been ok since I got a decent degree at the end of it all - it can't be that easy to bulls**t in a maths exam can it?

Normally, understanding physics is not something I need to do on a day to day basis. I understand the basics: Letting go of a pint glass will cause it to fall to the floor and smash (Law of gravity); Once smashed, the glass is highly unlikely to spontaneously reassemble (Second law of thermodynamics); However, if in the process you splashed a big hard man with beer, he will push you and you'll fall to the ground (Newton's first law). Ask me to explain anything really complicated though, such as "How do tides work?", "How does a gyroscope work?" or "Where have all the nice girls gone?” and I am at a loss.

So it was slightly frustrating to be looking at a website earlier and being unable to properly grasp what it was on about, or how what it was saying differed from the standard models. The central (non-standard) conjecture on the website is:

“The gravitational mass of an object varies, depending on the proximity of other matter, in order to keep its total gravitational potential energy equal to its rest mass.”

I think that this means that G, the gravitational constant decreases as matter becomes denser, or as objects move closer together. The author of the website also makes various claims about this explaining many things, but I’m sure that much of the background I need was not available to me. Or possibly I should just have read the site more slowly and attempted to understand things line by line like I had to do at university. If anyone is feeling clever (unlikely given my readership) could you do me a 50 word précis of the theory?

So overall I have no real idea whether any of it is sensible. He does suggest an experiment I could do to verify the conjecture, but since it involves owning at least two orbital satellites, it is kind of out of my budget. I could manage something involving flour, water and a jam jar. Mind, I never much liked doing experiments in physics. All that ticker tape quite tired me out.

River's up... And a historical diversion

The river is still high today, albeit a long way from it's record in 2000. It doesn't really cause me any problems apart from having to go a slightly longer route to get my lunchtime sandwich. Which today was Piri-Piri chicken. Not really sure what that actually is - it seemed to have chillis in it.

I was thinking about the months of the year today whilst working on a spreadsheet. A lot of what follows will be old news to many of you so feel free to skip ahead to the end. I spotted that the final four months of the year (September to December) are all clearly named after the numbers seven to ten (in Latin). Then I thought "Hmmm, that's odd, why stop at 10?". Did there used to be only 10 months? Were old months longer? Was the old year shorter? I knew that various Caesar typers had renamed a few of them, but that doesn't really explain why there were only 10. Well, I have done some research and here are my findings...

The Roman calendar only used to have ten named months: Artius, Aprilis, Maius, Junius, Quintilis, Sextilis, September, October, November, and December. The last four are probably familiar to you. There were two unnamed months too, which occured around about now, after Christmas. Except that I don't think they had Christmas then. And even if they did, I suspect it would have been at a different time of the year since didn't the church move it to coincide with an old pagan festival? Anyway, I digress. The unnamed months were during the cold bit.

Then the fun started. The second King of Rome, Numa Pompilious came along and decided that it was a little confusing not being able to refer to a whole sixth of the year by name. “Hey Numa – whenus is yer birthdayus?”. “Um, it’s on the eighth of…darn. Hang on, I am king! I can do what I want. I can name months! I hereforthwithus call them: Anuarius and Februarius. They are great names”. And so Our modern 12 month calendar was semi-born.

King Pompilious also added one other innovation – a thirteenth month called Intercalaris – this month was after Februarius and only happened every so often – it was the predecessor to our Leap Day in February. I’m not sure this would be so popular now – a whole month of having to avoid girls so that they can’t try and marry you! Or possibly a whole month hanging round them so that they will…

This state of affairs then continued for roughly six and a half hundred years. In 46BC, Mr Julius Caesar came along, reformed the whole thing, and named Julius after himself. Later, Augustus Caesar got in on the act and claimed the month formerly known as Sextilis as his own. And they fiddled with some days, got rid of Intercalaris and added the leap day as we know it now.

And since then, things have remained fairly constant. Unless lunatics like this guy get their way…

That is the end of today’s educational content. Hope it was useful for you.

24: Series 3 is great!

Worry not, there will be no spoilers in this post. I am now up to episode 11 of the third series of 24. It's great! I think critics have been a bit negative about it, but (so far) I think this is better than the last season. Episode 11 features a brilliant parallell with The Brittas Empire - you'll understand if you see it. It does not feature Colin's plasters.

Whilst on the subject of old telly, earlier today I correctly answered a question on the occupation of Des Clark from Neighbours. I need cyanide....

Snick Sliding Away

York is something of a strange little city. Its various streets are linked by little alleys, locally know as snickleways. Many of these are quite narrow and dark, especially at night. So. What is a really great way to spend a Sunday evening? I know: Let's go on a three and a half mile walk around York city centre, using as many snickleways as possible! Excellent idea. Some were shut due to flooding. River's up by the way.

All in all, there were supposed to be 50 snickleways. I think we did most of those. And a couple of inns. It was so dark that a certain person who will remain namless did a very comedic "walking into a bollard" thing. Ow! I think it's fair to say that I've now visited some parts of York that I a) never knew existed; b) never want to visit again.

Later, I won four pounds on a quiz machine.