Up against the wall

A while ago I wrote about the restructure that we have been going through at work. Today it finally finished (for me at least).

As we got to work, the actuarial directors didn't let us into the building straight away. Instead, we were made to stand along the outside wall of the office, in a line, with our backs to the wall. It was quite cold, so I was glad of my coat and scarf. We had to stand there for around half an hour until over 90% of the actuarial staff had arrived. At this point, the Actuary King blew a horn, and a trapdoor in the road opened. I think it was not a sewer entrance, but a hitherto secret entrance to the office.

Out of this open pit climbed out, one by one, beasts like I have never seen unto this world before. Beasts of all sizes, of all smells, and of many gaits. Each one of us standing there against the wall was scared for our own lives.

Well, maybe that last paragraph was a slight exagerration... What actually came out of the hole was all the Departmental Heads. And lest you get the wrong idea, they are proper whole people, not just Heads on sticks or in jars or displayed in some other freakish manner. That sort of thing may go on at some other insurance companies, but in York we employ a more civilised kind of Head.

The appointment process was about to begin.

The process was to involve each Head in turn stepping up to a line on the road in front of us (just to the right of the hole). Then they would look along the lined up people. First to the left, then to the right, then to the middle. They would raise an arm and point and intone the sacred word: "YOU". If you were lucky enough to be selected in this way, then you'd walk to the Head, and drink from the Cup Of Choosing that they held. Each Cup contained a different brew, but drinking it would bind you to that Head for ever more. Or at least until the next restructure. I guess they have to utter an incantation to break the spell of previous drinkings.

After drinking from a cup of choosing you were allowed to go inside and actually do some work.

Due to the slightly ceremonial nature of this ceremony, it was a bit on the slow side. After the first hour, only six people had been chosen, and there were two thousand and sixty more to go (It's a very long wall by the way). I was not one of those six. This was annoying because I needed to use the lavatory. And it was still cold, even with the heat generated by the various Cups Of Choosing.

But my wait would soon be over. After three more people had been appointed, my current boss stepped up to the line. He looked to the left, then he looked to the right. Then he looked to the middle. I held my breath - I was on the right. He kept looking to the middle. And then, for one last time, he looked to the left. This was actually towards me since he was facing us. He raised his hand, and smiled a wicked, wicked smile. He opened his mouth and said "YYYYOOOOOOOUUUUU".

I stepped up and looked him in the eyes. He passed me the cup and I drank deeply. It was Lemsip. Yum!

Then, finally I was able to head inside and get on with my new job, which is just the same as my old job was yesterday.

This is all entirely true and exactly like it happened.