I intend this to be my first and last post on the subject of Euro 2004 because I really do have very little interest in it. The tournament started over in Portugal a couple of days ago, and probably goes on for another couple of weeks.
It is quite hard to avoid the football at the moment - not only are all the matches being broadcast on normal terrestrial television (rather than proper sports channels where they belong), but the event is all over the papers, posters, radios and every other medium going. It is even polluting the normally pristine waters of this blog. I know I'm not alone in my total disinterest so here are five ways to avoid the so called "beautiful game" (frankly, I've seen more beautiful lepers):
1. Don't leave the house. Not even in the event of a terrorist attack.
2. Avoid any pub with a TV during matches. Because you are unlikely to know when the matches are (I certainly have no clue) then it is best to avoid pubs with TVs entirely.
3. Leave the country - go abroad. Obviously avoid Portugal, and possibly avoid Europe entirely. I suspect Peru may be safe, but I wouldn't put money on it.
4. Using a sharp knife, carefully remove your eyes and ears and put them in jars ready for reattachment later. You'll probably need some liquid to store them in, but as I am not a medical expert I can't recommend an exact process - "careful" should be your watch-word.
5. Suicide. This is maybe a little drastic, as unlike eye removal, or going abroad, it cannot be easily reversed.
I hope these are helpful for some of you. Now, if I can just skip back to point 3 for a minute. During tournaments such as this one, pub TVs act as total tw*t magnets - to the extent that if you go to a pub that does not have a TV you can guarantee that it will have 90% less pissed-up idiots in it than normal. It is almost tempting to suggest that England should be forced to play every night, with the matches beamed to a specially selected bunch of pubs country-wide. You'd end up with all the idiots coralled into a few known places that all sensible people could avoid. And the idiots get to watch England every night - everyone's happy, it's a complete win-win situation (apart from maybe for the England team...).
Now it's not the fact that people watch the football in pubs per se that annoys me, more the manner in which they tend to watch it. ie ridiculously loudly, shouting, chanting, spilling and crying like something important is going on. People seem to turn into complete animals, losing the residual humanity that their retarded male (and they are mostly male) brains have kept. It's a shame that stun guns are illegal - it would be a lot of fun if it was legal to buzz anyone who started to display Neanderthal tendencies.
Anyway last night's England/France match was hilarious. Didn't actually watch it, but I did have a smile when I woke this morning and heard that England had lost by conceding two goals in the last two minutes. This has put us bottom of our group, so there is the potential for an early exit from the tournament. I'm under no illusions that that would make the whole tournament go away, but it might at least stop some of the mindless jingoism (cliche alert!).
After the tragic defeat, there was a bit of trouble in a few places around the country (though thankfully none reported in Portugal). Hotspots last night were Croydon, Wakefield and bizarrely, Boston, Lincolnshire. Another reason to avoid that blighted county.
On a final note: People of England - what is with these ridiculous England flags that every other person has stuck on their car aerials? There's enough complaints about these elsewhere so I won't go on (too much), but really, you might as well put a sign on your car saying "I am an arse". They just seem utterly redundant to me. Mind you, it at least lets cars be singled out to have "2-1" written in the dirt on their sides. If there are any Scottish, Welsh or Irish peeps reading, you might find that this is a fun game to play today *.
I think what I was trying to say is that I don't much like or see the point of football, and hence I intend World of Lint to become a football free zone for the next few weeks. And good luck to England anyway, looks like you're going to need it!
* Vandalism of cars is in no way endorsed by this blog, or its contributors. Unless it's really funny.
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1 comment:
I agree entirely (except the eye removal thing - unlike fingers, eyes are incredibly complex objects and are very difficult to reattach in working order. I'd recommend a blindfold and fluffy pink ear muffs rather than the knife treatment). The sub-human tendencies football has an amazing ability to bring out in my fellow males really makes me despair.
I didn't watch the match either (I didn't need to, my mum's (of all people!) varied screams from downstairs were enough to signal the general direction of the game, and general direction is the limit of my interest. I share your view that the result is incredibly funny, and took several opportunities to laugh about it infront of my football loving co-workers .
As for the stupid England flags, I think it says "I read The Sun because my reading age is too low for other newspapers. Please keep away from my car, I barely have the IQ to drive it"
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