Pizza Time

I'm very lucky. This week I live on Domino's Pizza's "Street of the Week", and hence I am entitled to get any pizza, any size plus garlic bread for just eight English pounds. This is a little bit misleading though because they use the word "any" in a stricter way than most of the rest of us do.

For example, were I to ask for an "elephant pizza" (made with fresh African Elephants), the following conversation would ensue:

Domino's: Hello, Domino's Pizza, how can I help you?
Lint: Hello there! I live on your Street of the Week and I'd like to order a pizza please. Any pizza, any size for eight pounds is it?
D: Yes, that's right sir. What would you like?
L: I'd like to order an elephant pizza please.
D: Elephant...?
L: Yes, that's right, elephant. Fresh African if you have it, but I'll take Indian if you've sold out of African.
D: I'm sorry sir, we don't do elephant pizza.
L: But your leaflet said "any pizza". I'd like elephant.
D: It has to be a pizza off the menu, I'm afraid, sir.
L: But that's absurd! "Any" means "any"! I'd like elephant. I don't believe you if you say there is no demand for elephant pizza in York.
D: It's not that there's no demand sir, it's just that we don't do it. You have to have one from the menu. Have you thought about our new Cheese Steak Melt? That might taste a bit elephanty...
L: Do you have Wooly Mammoth?

And so it would go on. Eventually I'd have to give in and have a Sizzler like normal. But at least I could have it "any size"! I wouldn't be limited to the standard small, medium and large sizes. I could have "huge" or "gigantic" or even "elephant sized" which I imagine would be perfect for putting an elephant topping on. I know I've already ruled that one out, but you get the idea.

So the conversation might continue:

Domino's: So that'll be a Sizzler then?
Lint: Yes, that's right. I'd prefer elephant but you have really left me with no choice.
D: Thank you sir. What size Sizzler would you like?
L: I'd like a "teeny-teeny-tiny" size pizza please.
D: Sorry sir?
L: "Teeny-teeny-tiny" - it should be the size of a five pence piece.
D: Sorry again but the smallest pizza we do is the small pizza. It's bigger than a five pence piece but smaller than a plate.
L: Well, that's no good to me. You said you could do "any size"!
D: It's any size out of the choice on the menu sir.
L: That's absurd! "Any" means "any"! What kind of operation are you trying to run here? I'd like a "teeny-teeny-tiny" Sizzler pizza!
D: Sir, we don't do that size.
L: Well what on Earth do you serve to midgets then?
D: I'm sorry sir, you are just being tedious, I'm going to hang up here and leave you to starve. *click*
L: Darn it.

And that would be that. I'd have to manage without. Luckily for me, I have prior experience of pizza emporia and I was able to determine the hidden nuances of their special offer and not fall into any of the traps detailed above. I had a large sizzler and it tasted good.

Though I think on balance I'd have preferred elephant.