The UK's Christmas Top 10 Singles

Here are my thoughts on the 2005 Christmas top 10 singles. In reverse order:

10: Coldplay - Talk.
C'mon lads, this isn't very Christmassy, is it? Next year I want to hear a proper original Coldplay Christmas song with bells and reindeer and arguments all over it.

9: Girls Aloud - See The Day. 8: Madonna - Hung Up. 7: Pussycat Dolls - Stickwitu.
This part of the chart is where all the girls are hanging around. But again, we need more bells. Christmas music = bells. Is that a hard concept to grasp? Phil Spector understood that perfectly. Just because he turned out to be (possibly/allegedly/maybe not) a murderer doesn't mean that his views on Christmas should be ignored. In fact, my advice for Girls Aloud is for the five of them to head around to their local high security prison and for them to ask some of the more dangerous inmates exactly what they'd like Girls Aloud to do next Christmas. They might have to ignore some of the more lugubrious suggestions.

6: The Crazy Frog - Jingle Bells/U Can't Touch this
Now if you did get the loopier inhabitants of Dartmoor Prison to actually create a single, this might be what it would sound like. Why would anyone sane ever consider doing a cover version of an MC Hammer song? I accept that the "anyone" here is possibly not sane since they are a short cartoon frog with a blurry penis, but it's still wrong, wrong, wrong. I mean, who actually buys this stuff? Is there a large outlet within Dartmoor itself? Do the inhabitants each buy several copies with the cigarettes that they've been saving up? Anyone involved in making or buying this gazelle-doo-doo should be locked up themselves, forever-ever. And when I become Prime Minister I will make that happen. That's my goal.

5: Eminem - When I'm gone
I wonder if when Eminem is actually dead and gone, he'll just keep putting out single after single like Tupac did?

4: Westlife feat Diana Ross
If I was actually listening to these singles whilst writing this, it's at about this point I'd be reaching for the letter opener with a view to opening a vein. Preferably the jugular vein of all of Westlife. I'll leave Diana alone, she's probably old and senile with no idea what she's doing any more.

3: The Pogues - Fairytale of New York
Best. Christmas. Song. Ever.

2: Nizlopi - JCB Song
When I first heard about this, I was sceptical. A song about a five year old and a digger? I assumed it would be a Bob The Builder type novelty song aimed at five year olds who like diggers. But it's not. It's actually a gentle, innocent song about how life is much simpler when you're a kid, with your father there to look after you. And about how at that age, anything seems possible. You're not constrained by the standard limitations of reality that adults get hung up on. If you want a T-Rex to eat up all the bastards at school, then it might just happen.

It's a great little song and it should have been number one. And Optimus Prime is in the video.

1: Shane Warne - That's My Goal
Goooooaaaaaallllll. Quite why Australian cricketer and X-Factor winner Shane Warne has felt the need to release a crappy song about football, I may never know. That's My Wicket would have been more appropriate. It would still have sounded crap though.

And that's all I have to say.