I bought the local paper today. Not because I wanted it, solely because the woman in the shop gave me two free Kit-Kats (worth twice the cost of the paper). I didn't really need the chocolate either, but hey, a bargain's a bargain. I didn't realise at the time but the paper also contained the autumn issue of a glossy Yorkshire wedding magazine. It features lots of pictures of brides in wedding dresses, that sort of thing. I wasn't too impressed with this until when flicking through I found that it also contained lots of pictures of hot girls in bridal lingerie. Result. Good articles too. Ahem.
I thought I'd give you a summary of some of today's local news. I promise, none of this is made up. In no particular order:
1. Mike Tyson was due to be visiting York today. "Roman soldiers were planning to greet the boxing legend" at the Minster. It doesn't mention whether they were due to spar or not. "The boxer's trip to York was set to include a visit to the Minster, York Dungeon and the City Walls" - yes, Mike Tyson is going for a fun day out in York Dungeon. Perhaps a fake torture chamber is the only local place where you can acceptably bite off someone's ear.
2. A baby has been born. Its idiot parents have named the child "Bodicea".
3. From a story about local con-artists being put away: "Another York con-artist - Louise Winskill, formerly of Thief Lane - has started four years behind bars...". Like, hello! She lived on THIEF LANE. Of course she's a f***ing con-artist. It's bleeding obvious. It must have taken the police years to find her. Hint, guys. If you're looking for a murderer, check out Death Row (*).
4. The next meeting of the Huntingdon Over-55s will be on Thursday, at 2pm. There will be a bingo, and a raffle, followed by tea and mince pies.
5. Bingo is obviously popular in Huntingdon - Huntingdon Rovers Football club have a bingo night tomorrow from half seven.
6. A very positive review of The Crimea: "The Crimea's sound is similar to The Crocketts' intoxicating brand of apocalyptic folk-punk, hushed and introspective one moment, fierce and lacerating the next. Macmanus's voice sounded better than ever, all husky soul and strangled yelp.". I wish I'd managed to write that, rather than "It was a pretty good gig".
7. My horoscope: "Aries: Do be careful how you speak to the younger generation, as they might take the advice you give more literally than you think". So here's some good advice from me: Are you a teenager? Go and kill yourself, you useless little shit. You'll never amount to anything and the world hates you and itself.
8. In the small ads, it seems that Bunny Girls Escorts require additional staff. A number is provided for interested parties to call.
Wasn't that totally fascinating? I could make this a regular feature if they keep giving away free chocolate and soft porn.
(* It's in Copmanthorpe)