Metro station internet cafe, Munich

Well, I'm in Munich at the moment, in a little internet cafe in the Metro/subway type thing. I've never been in a foreign internet cafe before. First problem: The keyboard's in German! Well, not all of it, but the y and the z are swapped over (or is it the z and the y?) and lots of the punctuation is in different places. And there are some extra buttons, like "turbo". No idea what that does. It would be very hard to use this keyboard whilst drunk.

When I finish up here I`m heading off to a beer-kellar to drink beer in litre glasses. Sounds excessive to me, but when in Rome and all that... When in Rome will actually be in three or four days time btw.

I have been keeping a paper journal whilst out here and I'll be typing that up when I get home. Or bits of it at least. And I may expand some of it. And add pictures. Who knows? See how much time I have. And that's why I'm not actually saying much here about what I'm doing. So, until the next time, auf wiedersehen!

Au revoir

This will my last post for a while, as today I leave for holiday! But don't worry everyone - I have my notebook, and I plan to take notes and post a day by day catchup on my return. You lucky, lucky people!

Packing: Nearly complete. Need to iron one shirt (although I question the wisdom of this given suitcase creasing etc) and pack my hand luggage, then I can be away. All devices are charged, all travel documents are collated, spare key, alarm details etc are passed to friendly neighbour, I think I'm ready.

So this is it. I'm off to see new places, meet new people, and do new things. Take care of yourselves, y'all.

The 10,000 step plan

As part of the Britain On The Move campaign, you can get a free pedometer from today. How useful to have something to count every step you take (I'll be watching you). Apparently we're supposed to do 10,000 a day to stay healthy. No idea how many I do, but I may soon be able to tell you how many steps I take on the European continent. Unless I drop/break/lose/tire of it in the meantime.

I'm picking mine up at lunchtime - needless to say, my excitement levels are peaking.

I'm packing and leaving

I've just spent an hour or so packing my suitcase ready for the holiday. A quick weigh-in... 15 kg. Well within my 20kg limit. Still need to add one more shirt, and then maybe a jacket, but I think I'll be well under. I probably have too many clothes, but it's so long since I've been on a long holiday that I really have no idea how much I need. Enough to wear clean clothes each day seems like a reasonable idea. And obvs I've also packed "the hat".

Final packing: Saturday morning. Will mostly be my hand luggage & toiletries. I still have not lost my passport. Sure there must be something obvious I have forgotten though. Maybe I'll go through the checklist one last time.

Since tomorrow is my last full day in York I'm planning to go out for leaving drinks in the evening. I'd like to get out at a reasonable time, but have loads of work to do. Luckily, I've devised an incredibly elegant solution to a piece of work which should let me cut down a couple of day's really dull spreadsheet work into an hour or so. And at the same time will make my models much more versatile. It's going to be bloomin' great, unless I've made a fundamental mistake in my thinking, which was done on my way home from work at around 7pm after a tiring day (aww, bless).

Either way, I plan to get in early tomorrow which means an early night tonight. And the end of another completely non-alcoholic week.

Farewell to the NME

Time for a confession. I think I've stopped buying the NME.

I've been reading the UK music press since sixth form, and on a regular weekly basis since university. I've only missed maybe 2 or 3 editions in that time, and those have been when I was out of the country for too long.

It used to be that there was a choice: Melody Maker or NME. To my mind Melody Maker was always a better read, and covered slightly better music, but a few years ago it was subsumed by the NME and I had no choice but to either stop altogether, or switch music papers. So I switched.

Then for a few years I was reasonably happy with it, but slowly although I was still buying it every week, I was reading less and less of it. And then last year they had a big rejig and changed the format a bit. And it got to the point where all I was doing was reading (some of) the album and live gig reviews. And there are much less live reviews than there used to be.

So last week I thought "sod it" and I didn't buy it. Figured I had a week or so to change my mind. But I didn't change my mind, and I never bought last week's edition. I didn't buy this week's one today either. I may buy it occasionally in the future, or I may not. Time will tell. Welcome to the new era.

By popular request, here's the hat!

Panama Hat

Because you all asked so nicely, here is a little picture of my new hat. See, I told you that a guitar could double as a hat-stand!

A review of a gig what I went to tonight (12)

Dawn of the Replicants almost could have been big in 1997 when I was last aware of them. I think the NME may have voted them best new band that year or similar. Since those heady student days (why are student days always "heady"? What does "heady" mean? (after checking dictionary) Ok I understand now) I have not heard much of the band, but clearly they have managed to avoid splitting up as they were playing in York this evening. At Fibbers, quite predictably. Incidentally - did anyone see Babyshambles there last night? Were they any good?

The singer thanked the support bands and mentioned that they would probably go onto great things - previous supports for DotR have included "Clinic, Snow Patrol, Radiohead and... Pulp!". Radio-who? Music was a bit messy for my tastes, but watchable enough. My feet were hurting somewhat though. Must be age.

Though they seem to be getting on a bit now too, arguably 7 years after they should have called it a day! By their own admission they look like a bunch of darts players.

Here's the AR(SE) table once more. Dawn of the Replicants score 2 x 1 actuary = 2.0 AR(SE) points.

3.5: Easyworld / Snow Patrol 1 / Graham Coxon / Keane
2.5: Four Day Hombre 1 / Snow Patrol 2
2.0: Delays / Athlete / Dawn of the Replicants
1.5: The Ordinary Boys
1.0: The Open / Jonathan Richman / Four Day Hombre 2

Next gig, Puressence in the middle of August.

I hat a dream

I've been thinking of buying hat. A hat for my holiday. Maybe a Panama. That would keep the sun off my young face. And help prevent ear, nose andhead burn. I'd look great in a hat. If I go the hat route, I will provide an update.

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I went the hat route. A Panama. Now I shall be shaded and cool. "Warning: Sunscreen must be worn alongside product". I shall bear that in mind. A hat alone is not sun-prevent-sufficient.

For whom the bridge tolls

On Friday I journeyed with a couple of colleagues to Aldwark, where we were running a business game that I designed last year.

The route we took required us to cross Aldwark toll bridge - see it here. The toll was a princely 15p. Between the three of us we were just about able to scrape this together. Service involved a little man in a flourescent yellow jacket stopping all the cars, taking their money (mostly in coined form) and giving them a little slip of paper as a ticket?receipt?souvenir?

The bridge is not in a busy area - it's in a little country village that has no real reason to get many cars passing through - so we were not quite sure how the 15ps would add to enough to pay the man, let alone maintain the bridge. After crossing the bridge, it seems they may not be spending too much on maintenance - it felt a little rickety.

But then I guess you need only around 20 cars an hour to give minimum wage - one every three minutes (in either direction) so they might just be able to pay him.

And the Clifton Suspension Bridge, a much more impressive Bristol-based construction is only 20p to cross - it will have many more cars, but also much higher maintenance costs.

Well, regardless of the economics, the mere existence of the bridge made our journey much more exciting. Only if the man in the yellow jacket had actually been a troll in a yellow jacket could the journey have been better.

Holiday Prep

With my holiday departure less than a week away, I figure it's sensible to make sure I have everything I need. So I henceforth went shopping earlier today and bought many exciting and unusual items. Well, ok then, maybe not that exciting or unusual, but they are (mostly) definitely items. What did I buy?

1. A plug adaptor to ensure that I can plug my various rechargers (phone, iPod, camera, GBA etc) into daft European two hole sockets. Last time I tried to do this when I went to France, either I accidentally had the wrong adaptors or the place we were staying in was just weird, and I had to borrow someone elses. Hopefully this time I'll have more luck...

2. A notebook. Nice (probably fake) suede effect cover. Since I won't be taking by laptop away with me, I need to ensure I have some other means of recording my life and any thoughts (or maybe even songs!) that enter my head. I also need somewhere to take blog notes. Maybe I should just let go for a while. But that would be dull.

3. A set of three gel pens to write in the notebook with. First rule of non-electric writing: make sure you have a writing implement. Second rule of non-electric writing: make sure you have spare writing implements. I like gel pens. For reference, I tend to use Uniball Signos. And they were half price too.

4. Foreign Money: Euros and Swiss Francs. I never really know how much to get, but I should be able to make things work by using my credit card appropriately and ensuring I spread cash spending wisely. And if I have too much left at the end I can always just buy bottles of booze on the cross channel ferry.

5. Sun Tan Cream. I've been told that old stuff loses it's effectiveness. This is irritating as I've been using the same bottle for the last 5 years or so. Got a new bottle now, so all I have to do is remember to use it (easier said than done!).

6. Some new clothes. To be precise, two shirts and five pairs of boxer shorts. The shirts are (1) a light blue short sleeved cotton thing, with buttons all the way down the front and (2) a kind of stone coloured polo shirt. The underwear comes in a variety of patterns.

7. Bathroom scales. I have a 20kg luggage allowance, but I have no real grasp of how heavy that is. Hence I have had to purchase some scales. Sounds a bit overboard, but they were only three quid, so I'm not exactly breaking my bank there. And it seems I still weigh the same as ever. Got a bit of a shock at first when I tried them in the living room and I appeared to have put on two stone, but I think that's because they don't work so well on carpet.

That concludes the shopping. Also today I finished my big doorstop of a book - it would have been very very annoying to have to cart an 800 page hardback around for two weeks if I only had 50 pages left to go when I left. And I also moved by suitcase from the living room (where it has been since I purchased it on Monday) to the bedroom (where most of my clothing lives).

I think I may still have several important tasks ahead of me, including the processes of luggage choosing, luggage packing and miscellaneous general fretting.

York Minster

Last Sunday my parents came up to visit, along with a young French girl who was staying with them for a while. We went to the Minster since it is old and the sort of place you take visitors aka foreign tourists with cameras. I also had a camera: Here's the Minster:



What you can't see in this picture is that there are lots of policemen nearby who have been having a busy day dealing with Fathers For Justice, who had climbed onto the roof and also caused a commotion during a service. They may be the biggest threat to world peace after Osama's lot and Vernon Kaye (and lord help us if those two ever get in league with each other).

In general, visitors have to pay to enter the Minster, but it is free for residents. That's residents of York rather than of the Minster. I would expect that anyone who actually lived in the Minster would be allowed to come and go as they please. Maybe through a special door. Anyway, as a resident, I did not have to pay, and I even got a wonderful card which lets me jump to the front of the queue and come and go as I please. Though not through the special door.

Whisky in the drawer

I was given a nice bottle of Scotch at work yesterday, as a thank you for putting together a comedy panel game at a conference. I like whisky! Can't actually remember what sort it was, but I think it began with an M. Sadly I had to leave it in my desk drawer as I didn't want to carry it round with me all last night. It will come home with me on Monday though.

I also gave my member of staff a gold star for being good.

Where did I go last night?

My morning challenge for today: Remember all ten pubs from last night, with a comment for each. Here we go:

1. The Corner Pin: Starting point.
2. The First Hussar: Lots of people in, long wait at the bar. A chap who worked there asked the barlady if she needed him to come and help. She said that nobody had warned her that it was going to be busy, so we'd just have to wait. Nice customer service attitude there.
3. The Cock and Bottle: We finished their bottle of Taboo. Didn't have (or want) any myself.
4. O'Neills: An opposing team's quiz sheet flew over a wall. I could have stolen many answers but was quite well behaved and gave it back.
5. The Grapes: Used to do Karaoke in here. Today I suspected people had had trouble deciphering the pub clue, as it was pretty empty.
6. The Last Drop Inn: There are steps in there.
7. The Old White Swan: Again?? How much of my life do I have to spend in this place?
8. Ye Olde Starre Inne: We nearly didn't work out this one - I resorted to stalking another team... didn't work, they led me a merry dance. Last minute inspiration from me saved the day.
9. Lendal Cellars: Vodka shots... two each should be enough. And it helps make up the time we've lost.
10. The Varsity: Arrived just in time, with my new friend, The Long Balloon With A Face. I temporarily forget his name.

?... hellol?...

I am so un-close to understanding myself. Tonight I could have gone to see one of the funniest men in the country, Ross Noble, and instead I decided to just stay out for some drinks instead.

I need someoene to talk to. And they aren't there.

I don't care what's outside

I've not opened the curtains this morning, but soon I'll leave for work. Without opening the curtains. This may be foolhardy, umbrella-lack gambling, but it's what I'm gonna do. I hope for non-overdampness when I reach my destination, but it's hard to care too much about it.

A review of a gig what I went to last night (11)

Blimey, no wonder I've been miserable. Looks like I haven't been to a proper gig since April 26.

Last night I went to see Four Day Hombre at Fibbers. Support was from Battle of the Bands winners, Sixty6. I still think they sound like Feeder, but now I'm starting to recognise many of the songs, so because they are familiar it feels like a set of Feeder cover versions. Which it is not.

A few points about Fibbers itself - it had run out of bitter last night - must have been due to The Fall playing two nights in a row on the previous nights. So no TT Landlord for me. More interestingly, after going there for three years, the place now has cloakroom facilities! Not sure exactly where, as I didn't read more than the top of the sign ("Cloakroom, 50p").

FDH were great - love the new songs, and the old ones still sound magic. TFWITH didn't become Kate Bush at the end for the first time that I can remember, but there was a new cover (that they hinted may not be played again) - The Human League's "Don't you want me" which sounded excellent (and very different from the original).

The new single was out this week - I bought it last night. They are all numbered and I have no 63. Just think how excited that must make me. It's a wonder I slept.

So here's the return of the AR(SE) table - last night's gig plummeting a whole three places below FDH's last placement. Must try harder people!

3.5: Easyworld / Snow Patrol 1 / Graham Coxon / Keane
2.5: Four Day Hombre 1 / Snow Patrol 2
2.0: Delays / Athlete
1.5: The Ordinary Boys
1.0: The Open / Jonathan Richman / Four Day Hombre 2

Next gig: Probably Dawn of the Replicants next week.

Weird Dreams

As the day has gone on, I have recovered several vivid dreams from last night.

1. The Polyphonic Spree on a boat. I was with my sister and she said they were the Spree, I said they weren't. But then they started singing and I also recognised Tim De'Laughter which was a bit of a giveaway. I had to admit I'd been wrong.

2. A strange dream featuring a puzzle tower, and strange talking coloured evil jelly blobs. Their leader was a white blob, who had a chip inserted in him which made him belief he was Keats. On waking (to wakefulness? to waking whilst sleeping?) I think I was impressed that the story had continued on well from where the chip had started out - probably the Hyperion books. My role in the story is sdaly now lost, but I remember jumping over a high wall to escape from the blobs at one point (with the head blob's chip? with something from the tower?).

Gig review from tonight to follow in the morning.

The Monkey and the Plywood Violin

I was listening to "First we take Manhatten" by Leonard Cohen on the way home from work today. I got to wondering: What exactly did he plan to do with the "Monkey and the Plywood violin" that he receives during the song? I'm sure you've all wondered the same thing at one point or another.

What follows is my best theory on the matter. First, as with any good theory, some assumptions:
1. The monkey is alive. And it is a chimp. Not the most intelligent chimp on this Earth, but still quite a good one - about the intelligence level of your average three year old human.
2. The plywood violin is a replica violin. Although it can be played, the sound that emerges is awful. Similar to the noise that a three year old human might make whilst playing a real violin.
3. These are the only special items needed for the plan. Other non-special items (string, paperclips, marbles etc) are just lying around to be used if needed.

So now the plan... Clearly Leonard is not going to take the whole of Manhatten with just these two items - and hence he won't get Berlin either. In fact the monkey and violin will be used for just one small part of the plan, which involves him sneaking into a bar in Lower Manhatten and taking that over (please don't ask why, it's far too complex to explain here).

Leonard stands just outside the bar, pretending to be a busker playing the violin (shan't mention the bar's name here, to avoid others copying the scheme). The chimp is waiting around the corner. At Leonard's signal, the chimp dashes round the corner, leaps up, graps the violin and bow and runs off up the street. Leonard runs into the bar and shouts "Help everyone! A chimp has stolen my violin". The bar patrons and owner are shocked by this and realised they must help. All run out, and chase the monkey.

The bar is now empty, Leonard sneaks in and closes and bolts the door. He is safe and it is left to the monkey to finish of the rest of the plan.

Since the chimp is relatively agile, he is able to dismantle the violin whilst running. Painted on the inside is a sign saying "I'm a really cute monkey: Please play with me." The patrons and owner cannot resist this suggestion and they all sit on the street and start playing with the monkey. But little beknownst to them, the chimpy isn't cute at all! He just looks cute! Actually he's evil and murderous. The other parts of the violin he has formed into little wooden spikes.

He pushes these, lightning fast, through the windpipes of everyone nearby (bar owner first), killing them all gurglingly. The monkey then stabs himself non fatally in an arm and lies on the floor. Eventually a passerby comes past, sees the devastation and the injured monkey, and also the sign. Clearly the monkey cannot be the killer and so the passerby assumes it was a bad man who had done the nastiness and run off. The chimp looks so cute that the man takes him to a monkey-vet where the a full recovery is made.

Some days later the chimp returns to Leonard's Bar (recently rechristened) and both have a tearful reunion. For the final part of this section of the plan, Leonard Cohen kills, peels and eats the chimp because the chimp is evil and is also the only evidence of what really happened. The Bar is successfully taken. Now onto the rest of Manhatten....

So now you know what the song was on about, and don't need to go searching on the webbyweb for it if you ever start questioning the lyrics in the future.

Fun with balloons.

At work today, a colleague was attempting to blow up a ballon, inside a second inflated ballon - this he successfully achieved, and the resulting ballon in a ballon was a sight to behold. I was impressed, so challenged him to a second, harder task.

In my desk I have a load of party poppers left over from Christmas. I thought it might be interesting to see if we could make a party popper go off inside an inflated balloon. I made the challenge and with a gleam in his eye, the challenge was accepted.

What is the best colour balloon to use for this? I'm not sure, but he chose pink. The basic approach was to try and get the mouth of the balloon around the rim of the popper and then try and get the whole thing in, with just the string trailing out. Then the balloon could be inflated, the mouth secured and then we (well, he) would just pull the string and... bang! What actually happened was that the first balloon ripped as it was being applied.

Balloon two was more successful, and it was anchored securely onto the popper. What then proved harder was getting any air in at the same time. I'm sure I could have done it, but it wasn't my challenge! Eventually the inflation attempt was abandoned and we decided just to let it off anyway. I retreated to a safe distance.

The string was pulled and.... pfft. The tinniest most pathetic pop sound. On closer inspection the card circle that holds the streamers in had not come out of the popper properly, as it was severly impeded by the rubber. Then the whole thing started to give off a reasonable amount of smoke. Luckily we hadn't actually managed to set it on fire and the smoke soon stopped.

And that was that.

Get me away from here, I'm dying

I'm too optimistic sometimes. I build up hopes and expectations, and then when things don't look like they're going to turn out like I'd like (ie always), I overcompensate to try and get things back on track, and it helps nobody, least of all me.

I think it's fair to say that every time anything good has ever happened to me, it's been at times when I wasn't expecting it. Maybe there's a sign that hangs over me or something.

Possibly this is the first time I've actually realised this (or at least it's the first time I've been ready to listen). It's definitely the first time I've written it down. Expecting good times, optimistically thinking of how great tomorrow's going to be, will only lead to disappointment. I need to relax, wait, stop worrying, and get a grip. There are perfect moments ahead, just like there have been in the past. It'd be great if I had a magic diary that listed when they'd be.

Disappointingly, I suspect that I'll completely ignore my own advice and just attempt to slowly, step by step, fuck my life up more by more.

Christ, I need this coming holiday. And maybe then some other step change.