Breaking News

I thought you might like an update on the latest exciting news within the York area. I have a copy of the Evening Press (published every morning!) with me, so I'll summarise the highlights:

1. Two neighbours have had a bit of a spat - a black guy moved in next to a white guy and they didn't really get on. Shades of the old sitcom Love Thy Neighbour here... Another case of reality copying fiction (admittedly with a 30 year gap). The white guy has now been convicted of "using racial language". Possibly it meant racist...?

2. A small ad tells us that someone has lost a blue bike in the Thief Lane area. I expect it was stolen.

3. Complaints against police officers have gone up since last year from 324 to 392. They also received 283 letters of appreciation, presumably from different people. I have neither complained nor appreciated the police today, though I did wonder internally why a few of them seemed to be guarding the Judges' Lodgings this lunchtime.

4. Firefighters near Selby had to put out a fire after men on a farm accidentally tried to put out a "burning rag" using paint thinner rather than water. Not too bright. No mention is made of why they had set fire to a rag in the first place. Since they were near Selby, I can only assume it was boredom.

5. If you're over 50, the monthly over 50s club is on Thursday in Strensall Village Hall, at 2pm. There will be bingo! Over 50s only.

6. Joy-riders stole and trashed a sit-down lawnmower in Hopgrove. Oh the fun that the youth of today have. Why can't they just light rags like their elders do? That's all the fun a man needs.

7. "A national survey has found York residents are the most knowledgeable and devoted in the country when it comes to all things meaty". I can back this up. I often eat meat and can name at least three different kinds.

8. A Mrs Hjort of Crayke has become a York Minster guide. She's taking a group of ten ladies on a tour on the 22 May. Book early to avoid disappointment on that one!

9. York City are still shit.

10. No time for a number 10 today! Sorry!

This is your roving reporter signing off. See ya!