We could be diving for pearls

I got my annual performance bonus today (because I perform upon demand, like a trained seal). I had all sorts of plans as to what to spend it on: new computers, audiovisual equipment, rock bands, maybe a crack house in the country. But it's all gone a bit wrong.

When I had my appraisal my boss asked me to sign the completed form and also tick a box. I was a bit pissed at the time and so couldn't be bothered to read what it said by the box. What it said was that by ticking the box, I was consenting to opt in to the company's brand spanking new bonus scheme. I'd be a trailblazer! A trendsetter! A trainspotter! (Not the last one). Only today did I find out the full details of this new scheme.

Rather than being paid in English cash, I have instead been paid in land. Very wet land. The wettest land you can get. I've been awarded 7 hectares of the seabed, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. I'm told it's about two hundred miles west of Kilarney and that it's very nice at this time of the year.

Apparently this sort of scheme is all the rage these days and my company is just the latest in a long line of Blue Chips to do this. Apparently it can be very lucrative as that part of the ocean is full of oysters. Apparently there's a bull market for pearls at the moment. Apparently I'll be raking it in. There might even be sunken pirate ships, full of lost bullion! You never know.

All I have to do is buy a deep sea diving bathysphere and I'm away. But I have no money! All I have is my bonus which is somewhat inaccessible. If I had a couple of thousand quid, I could buy a bathysphere, descend into the deep dark depths, harvest the pearls, oysters and lost bullion, rise to the light once more and then hit Selby market on a Wednesday afternoon where I'll be able to offload all the stuff at a vast profit. It's nearly foolproof, apart from the bit which went "If I had a couple of thousand quid".

And this, gentle reader, is where you come in.

I'm looking for investment partners to help me claim my bonus. Just send me a few grand into my bank accy (details available on request) and I'll sort out the diving equipment, we'll hit the ocean at the weekend and by the following weekend you'll be repaid double what you gave me. It's a hell of an offer, never to be repeated (unless I'm daft enough to tick the same box next year).

Just give it a little thought is all I ask.