1997 Comedy = 2008 Reality

It's slightly surreal to watch Brass Eye on DVD and then when it finishes turn straight to Newsnight on actual TV. It's hard to see the join.

Exterminaten!

We went on my parents' boat at the weekend. They were off on it for two weeks but they wanted some help for the first full day which contained a flight of sixteen locks. They (correctly) figured this could be a bit much for the two of them alone and a couple of extra pairs of hands would speed things up and reduce effort. I didn't mind too much going along to help, but it would have been nice if they'd thought to mention the fact that the second day had a flight of eighteen locks. That just seemed to have slipped their minds. Must be the age.

So on Saturday night I find myself in a canal boat moored in the middle of nowhere, with no TV reception. And the last episode of Dr Who starting soon. Darnit!

We decided to go and find a local pub instead. It wasn't too far but it did involve climbing a fairly long hill. The pub was nice and had a big telly. There were a few people in the room it was in but we chanced our luck and asked if they'd mind putting Doctor Who on it. They said ok!

It started well but soon became apparent that the pub was going to be too noisy or the TV too quiet or both, even when we moved to sit up close. I was able to watch the whole thing easily, on possibly the biggest screen I've ever seen Dr Who on. But I only caught about a quarter of the dialogue. This wasn't ideal and by the end I was quite angry.

My ire was especially aimed at two middle aged fat bald blokes sitting just under the telly who talked through the whole thing, and a family with small children who talked and ran around constantly. C**ts, the lot of them. It's not like it wasn't a big pub with lots of other space they could have gone and sat in for an hour. I'd have happily moved if they'd wanted to watch football or something.

Once home in York on Monday, we watched the episode again off of the recorder and I really enjoyed it, though I'd be lying if I said it was full of surprises at that point. I particularly liked the German Daleks shouting "Exterminaten!". Not sure if that's genuine German but it was genuinely funny.

After that I watched "Remembrance of the Daleks" out of Sylvester McCoy's tenure in the 80s. It was much as I remembered except that in my head it was set in the 80s, not the 60s and I'd forgotten some (most) of the twists. It's actually a pretty decent piece of TV but it was certainly of a much smaller scale than the episode I'd seen prior to it! There's a particularly nice bit when someone who's been only seen from reverse in the first three episodes turns out to not be who you assume it is (ie Davros).

I also remember that seeing a Dalek glide up some stairs was big news and a big twist when initially shown. It doesn't look as impressive now I've seen the buggers fly through space.

And for the record, I don't think Davros is dead. He'll have slipped into an escape pod or something at the last second. Again.

Major T(h)om(as)

I've been wondering whether Ashes to Ashes (the excellent BBC Life on Mars spin-off) should have been subtitled "The Chronicles of Alex Drake, Unbeliever". Because it seems to have more than a little in common with the Thomas Covenant books.

Not everything, mind, she's not a leper, she doesn't rape the first person she meets in 1981. But on the other side, she does face a near-death experience (and in fact is possibly dying) and then wakes up in a strange world which she refuses to believe is real.

I think it's similar.

Unrealistic Police TV

I've started watching The Shield on DVD. I'm nearly at the end of series 1 (yeah, I know that puts me about twenty seasons behind America) and I'm lovin' it so far.

But I had an issue with episode 3.

It features a (possible) rapist who is a bit mental and keeps jars of his own man-juice in his padlocked fridge. He thinks he is a great guy and needs to preserve his seed to be able to impregnate women in the future after he becomes infertile due to some disease he's got. He ends up being caught after slashing a night-lady a little bit in her neck.

So the cops take him in and in their questioning/research it turns out he's an ex-actuary. The actuaryness doesn't impact the plot of the episode at all. The guy doesn't reference mortality tables at any point. He fails to build any financial models. He's an actuary purely to flesh out his character a little bit.

Now I think this is portrayed really unrealistically. Not because they make out that actuaries are the kind of people who store jars of love-honey in their kitchens. We all do that.

No, it's unrealistic because not one of the police, NOT ONE, asks the obvious question: "Um, what's an actuary?". No way that some lumphead LA policemen would know what an actuary was. It's ridiculous. Lazy scriptwriting.

57 Channels....

Having only got satellite TV relatively recently, it's taken me a while to start remembering I have it and to turn it on from time to time. It's amazing how much old telly is on there, repeated over and over. But I don't think the repetition is necessarily a barrier to enjoyment. The key is to only ever watch it whilst you are slightly drunk and doing something else. That way it always seems fresh.

Hence I'm currently enjoying Shooting Stars whilst writing this.

Carving A Fat Man

Tonight on TV, Jamie Oliver presided over a programme where that odd German hat-freak who does the live autopsies disected a dead 25 stone man to show why it's bad to get fat. It was quite unpleasant. And so was the disection! Boom Boom.

But also a bit wrong.

I joked the other day about Hugh Fiddly-Whatsisface cooking a (free-range) Jamie Oliver pie, little realising that only a few days later Jamie would be on a programme where an actual man was carved like a turkey.

Actual TV is often stranger than the things I make up.

Cross-eyed from too much telly...

Tonight I saw John Nettles playing Jim Bergerac in an episode of The Detectives. Marvel do crossovers all the time in comics - there should be more of it in telly!

Here are five I'd like to see:

- Jack Bauer turning up in Spooks and not taking any shit at all.

- The episode of Porridge featuring Michael Schofield.

- Alan Dale playing a Cylon in Battlestar Galactica, who turned out to be also a Cylon when he was in Neighbours, 24, Ugly Betty, Lost etc.

- Everyone from Hollyoaks going on a plane holiday and being brought down by the thing that makes planes crash in Lost. And none of them survive.

- Matthew Corbett from Sooty in All Creatures Great And Small, putting his hand up cows and pretending they can talk.

They'd all be good. Is that job as Controller of the BBC still available?

Buffy Is Still Best

K and her sister were round tonight and we, for no good reason, watched the Buffy episode Once More With Feeling. It was still great. It made me remember why I fell in love with that show in the first place. And then it mad me remember what happened to everyone before and after and inevitably, I cried a bit.

The only consequence is that we're now going to have to watch the whole bloody series from the start. Angel too. Darn. Worse things hapen at sea I guess.

Lies, Damn Lies and More Lies

There were various fiascoes earlier in the year involving things being not quite as they seem on the BBC and other channels. I didn't see quite what the fuss was about - it's television! It's not supposed to be real! Why are people surprised that some things are staged, edited or just going wrong?

So it was very pleasing to see today the tabloids, the same ones who'd been so outraged about the telly, having to 'fess up that there hadn't really been a Great White Shark off the coast of Cornwall. It was just made up.

This again though shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Anyone who believes everything (anything?) they read in the papers, especially those ones is an idiot. Of course there isn't a big man eating shark off Cornwall. That's why nobody has been eaten.

My prediction for next week's news: "Incorrect Information On Internet Disgrace". Watch out for it. It's coming.

The best thing I saw today (which may or may not be made up) was on the way home from work. Up opposite the Railway Museum there was a drain in the road with lots of smoke coming out of it. Somehow, somebody had set a drain on fire. Quite good going. I'm assuming it can't have had much water in it. This would have been cool on its own but then a couple of Museum workers ran over with mini fire extinguishers and started squirting them into it. This seemed to do the job. The smoke stopped.

God, it's rubbish that that was the best thing I saw today.

Wired Up

I started watching The Wire on DVD tonight. It's a show that some people have claimed to be one of the best TV programmes ever made. I watched the first two episodes and so far, I'd say it's pretty good. A bit slow. I'll give it some time and see how it develops...

Learning to Sky

My internet access has been a bit bitty over the last few days. It's been dropping out from time to time - v annoying. I had a brainwave this evening as to what could be causing it. I think it's the Sky+ box.

When the chap came round to install it, I asked him whether it needed an ADSL filter putting on the bit that connects to the phone socket. He said, nah, it would be alright. I was dubious but then forgot about it.

Then today, I saw a small green light come on the front of the Sky box and I wondered what it was. I had no idea and couldn't be arsed to look in the book. But it did get me thinking, and then I put two and two together and possibly made about eighteen. I actually had a spare filter knocking around so I tried plugging it in. It seemed to work!

Or at least it's been fine for the last half hour. Hardly a rigorous test, but I'll leave it in for now. I still think it should have one on, even if it's not that that's been causing the dodgy connection.

I'm also not too sure about how well Sky+ really does work when you only have one feed from the dish. Watching telly is fine, but when you record things it generally seems to default to recording off the second feed (which isn't there). Hence no recording. Sometimes it does work though. Looks like my Freeview recorder may not be going into retirement so soon after all.

If anyone understands these things, I'd welcome your input as much as I'd welcome a second input from my dish. ie it would be quite useful.

New Sky!

I took advantage of an offer Wayne made to get free Sky. I didn't particularly need Sky, as I find there's enough on normal terrestrial telly, and I also watch a lot of DVD box sets and "get VHS tapes sent over from a friend in America" for things not on in the UK yet. But it was free for a year so I figured I'd give it a go. My flat already had a link to a communal dish and I was all wired up, so all I needed was the box.

It didn't end up completely free as I took the opportunity to get a half price Sky+ box rather than the bog-standard one. Again, I didn't really need this either as I already had a hard disk recorder. But this one integrates more nicely with the programmes that are on so I think I will end up using it quite a lot.

The man was supposed to come and install it all this morning (not sure why I needed a man, all he did was plug it in and show me how the remote control worked). I was hoping for something around 9am so I could get to work not too late. In fact he came at about quarter past one. Not quite morning. But I took the opportunity to read a book in peace and quiet for a few hours. Better than work.

I had tried to phone into work to let them know I was going to be later than I'd said, but nobody picked up my phone on each of the three times I tried. I considered leaving an angry message on my voicemail berating my colleagues for not picking up. Then thought better of it. I also tried phoning the Sky installation people to check they were really coming. They didn't pick up either. I started to detect a trend.

So I had a another cup of tea.

Once it was installed I didn't have time to have a play. But I had a go after work and whilst it seems to work well and be pretty slick... it's just telly.

Here come the freaks...

Big Brother starts tonight... almost exciting, but not really. At least it's timed well to start after Heroes, Lost and 24 have all finished.

Business in China

Some strange scheduling of television tonight. On Channel 4, Brits Get Rich In China, On Channel 5, Paul Merton in China. Both at 9 o'clock meaning that anybody with an interest in Chinese matters would have a problem (I realise we live in a world of HD recorders now but you get the idea).

I watched the first of these programmes. It was about three (unrelated) English blokes who had set out to China to make their fortunes - a 70 year-old army type, a wide-boy from Rochdale and a man with an unsavoury interest in cushions. It was both entertaining and educational.

The most interesting thing I learnt was that China has cities pretty much dedicated to making single items. For example there is a Tap City. And a Condom City. I can't imagine living in such a place. Well, I can, but I suspect my imaginings aren't very realistic. I hope they're not. I'd maybe like to live in Teddy Bear City.

I wonder what I would have learnt from Paul Merton.

I'm Sure I've Seen Him Somewhere Before...

I started watching My Name Is Earl on DVD tonight. Very funny. But it started me thinking...

More and more these days it feels like there are only about eight actors working in American TV. I keep recognising him out of whatsit, or that guy out of whatchacallit. For example, in ep 2 of MNIE, Haywire out of Prison Break turns up. Still with the same mad starey eyes. Cy out of Deadwood is now in 24 as the Vice President (and the actor's name is Powers Boothe! Idiot!) and I'm sure I spotted Calamity Jame from the same show somewhere recently too.

Then there's the ubiquitous Alan Dale turning up in pretty much everything - 24, Neighbours, Lost, Ugly Betty and Robin Hood. And the little weaselly one out of Ally McBeal and Porkies also turning up in the current season of 24.

Then The Fonz makes regular appearances in Arrested Development. And Delenn from Babylon 5 hides in the jungle in Lost.

And I think I'm just scratching the surface...

I believe that children are the future

I'm not keen on the current trend in TV where shows aren't having proper opening title sequences anymore. Lost was the first one I really noticed - just a rubbish noise with the word "Lost" turning on the screen a bit. But it seems to be becoming more widespread, even on UK programmes. Torchwood for example, has an opening title sequence that's about three seconds long. And the otherwise fantastic Heroes has one that's very much in the Lost vein.

Thinking about it, even 24 doesn't really have a proper title sequence. I guess that's more excusable though, since it all takes place in real-time, which doesn't normally have a two minute break for a song every hour or so.

I don't want shows to start this way. I want tunes. I want songs. I want the main cast members doing things (with optional cheesy smile shots) one by one, with their names and actor names on screen - how else will I ever know anyone's name. Without this, type of thing, Tom Cruise would never have learnt Katie Holmes' name, and he'd still be calling her "that pixie-like girl off of Dawson's Creek". That may have stymied their relationship.

But most importantly, I'm thinking of the kids. I spend approximately 95% of my time singing old tv theme tunes. I'm particularly keen on Mysterious Cities of Gold and The Littlest Hobo. If we are to leave a similar legacy for our own children, we need to act now to restore songs to opening titles. This is actually important.

Someone should start a petition that could be given to Tony Blairs. He could try and sort it out.

Tuesday's TV

I'm not going to be watching any television tonight myself, not even Battlestar Galactica on DVD (currently h'way through S2). The Actual TV on telly looks pretty boring. But that's only if you believe the descriptions in my TV guide. If you take the descriptions and re-attach them to different programmes, it gets more interesting (albeit only slightly). Here's, then, what you could be watching on the five main terrestial channels later tonight:

BBC1
Celebrity Masterchef
Nutritional experts Dr Wendy Denning and Vicki Edgson explore how to improve the 10 parts of the body people most dislike. 1745096

BBC2
Extreme Dreams with Ben Fogle
Musicians David Grant, Paul Young and model Marie Helvin are in the kitchen. 9893

ITV
Emmerdale
Howard begins to struggle as the group climb a mountain pass. 473

Channel 4
Ballet Hoo! Backstage
Viv and Bob attend their first scan. 4589

Five
The Diet Doctors: Top to toe
Birmingham Royal Ballet's Shoe Master Michael Clifford reveals cobbler's secrets. 815638

See - only slightly more interesting.