Too many invitations...

I think Google might be getting ready to take Gmail out of Beta test. I say this on the basis that they have just given me another 44 invitations taking my total up to 50. I'm not sure what makes them think that I know 50 people, never mind 50 who want to join. Not that I mind, since it's a great service and far superior to any other web-email systems I've used. Even my mum uses it. But still... 50... Too many.

The band, not the Nicole Kidman film

There's a relatively new band that emerged last year called The Others. They seem to have a real buzz about them at the moment, great live reviews, lots of press and an album out this week. They have become known for the art of guerilla gigging - playing impromptu sets in unlikely and inappropriate places. Shops, lifts, the back of a Volkswagen, those kind of places. In a lot of ways they are reminding me of The Libertines when they first emerged, before they fell apart for the eighth time.

So I feel somewhat like a small boy pointing his finger at a naked old emperor when I say: Is it just me, or are The Others a bit... rubbish?

The taste of Britain

We seem to have started to do reasonably well at our regular Monday night pub quiz over the last few weeks. Last night, a second place led to me taking home another couple of cans of Carling Black Label. On the side of the can it says that Carling is "The taste of Britain". I think this may be true - if I was to go outside and lick the pavement, I'm sure it would taste of piss, just like the beer.

Only joking. It's a lovely brew.

Only joking again. It's not that nice really.

When I was a kid, myself and my sister both had a small orange glove puppet called Lambchop. I think my father picked them up from somewhere. At the time, I had a vague belief that this may have been a famous puppet from the telly, but I don't recall ever seeing it on telly, or who its human controller was. I think I must have had a vague inkling of the name of the puppeteer though, since when we had the question "What was the name of the puppet operated by Shari Lewis", I instantly wrote down Lambchop.

It's nice that a small silly looking glove puppet finally turned out to have given my life some small benefit. Even if it was only a single point in a pub quiz. Everything happens for a reason! Sometimes it just takes a lot of years to work out what that reason might be.

Ramblings and Dead Funnymen

I was threatened with physical violence and being expelled from work today when in a discussion about dead comedians I said:

How did Tommy Cooper die? Just like that!

Which was very funny and made most of us fall about. They weren't really going to hit me, I could tell they were joking because they were laughing a lot as well. Really, it was much funnier at the time than it may seem written here.

I think my favourite comedian's death was that of the late, great Rod Hull. He fell off his roof whilst trying to fix his satellite dish in a gale. Or similar. At the time, it was a tragic loss for British comedy, but now I think with the benefit of retrovision, he can say that it's the way he would have wanted to go. Except he won't say that because of the deadness he suffered. Since Rod's death, his beloved Emu has been seen very rarely in public. I've heard rumours that Emu also died that day, but I am unable to confirm them.

I described Rod Hull there as being "late" ie dead. However, if I were talking about someone who died a longer time away (eg Isaac Newton, Benjamin Disraeli, or Errol Flynn) we don't describe them as "late". Euphemisms are not needed and we instead speak of them as being "dead", "rotting", "decayed" or "who?".

I therefore surmise that there must be a point at which a goner moves from being late to being just dead and gone. It's clearly a longer time than a year, but equally clearly it's less than 100 years. This gives quite a big grey area for me. John Peel is definitely still late. So is Douglas Adams. How about Kurt Cobain? He died over ten years ago and I'm not sure whether he's still late or not. I'd be interested in your thoughts on this.

But enough of this morbidity!

I saw a fantastically placed apostrophe in a job application form today:
"Mathematic's Society"
I know I sometimes get them wrong too, if only through typing too fast and not properly reviewing what I've written, but that doesn't mean that I ca'nt take the piss out of others when they make bads :-)

Enough! Bye!

Australia: It won't go away

Bizarrely, I've just been invited to a second Australia party, exactly four weeks after the first one, but in a different city (London) with different people. Has this year been officially nominated as Australia Party Year or something? Did I not get the memo that announced this?

Dingbat, wombat, kiss a kangaroo

Apparently it was Australia Day earlier this week. I don't really know what the point of it is, but like St Patrick's Day, it's an excuse for a party. A party to which I was invited - my favourite kind.

To show just how Australian this party was, here's a photo of me with a real life actual kangaroo:



We actually got on really well, and after a brief conversation, I definitely pulled:



It's not something I've ever tried before, but for those of you that are interested, kangaroos are damn good kissers. However, they are not very faithful and later on I was frankly sickened and disturbed by the things I saw that roo do. There are photos, but I don't think I can publish them here. You'd be revolted off your dinner.

I will not be seeing her again.

More (or possibly less) for my money

I went for a haircut at the haircutters today, and my hair has ended up slightly shorter than normal. They had also put the price up by a whole pound. However, since they are clearly cutting off more hair for this higher price, it is hard to complain too much about the situation.

See y'all tomorrow!

I try to build some discipline into myself. Write something everyday. Any old crap - nobody reads it. Just write something.

But sometimes it's nicer to not write something and just go to bed.

The trouble caused by four extra inches

I recently ordered some dining chairs from John Lewis so that I could sit at table and eat food like posh people do. Four chairs in total, which would allow me to have guests should I desire. I could have up to four guests if I put the ironing board away and sat somebody on my swivel office chair.

Yesterday a little man phoned me up and asked if it would be ok if they delivered them to me this morning. I enquired what time this might be, and was given the answer that it would be between eight and ten am. Not too bad - I might be a bit late for work, or I might not, but I'd have chairs, and would soon be able to dine at table like a posh person. So this morning, I made sure that I was ready to receive chairs from eight o'clock and I sat and waited for them until they arrived.

So here's a photo of my chairs:

Photo not available for technical reasons

Oh, hang on. The photo doesn't seem to be working. Why could that be? I know! It'll be because I don't have any chairs yet. Grrrrr.

Ten o'clock came and went and I was still waiting. Eleven o'clock came and went and I was still waiting. At around half eleven I received a call to tell me that they were on their way to me, and by the way, where on earth do I live? I was able to answer that question - I know where I live. Perhaps you do too! Shortly after that I received a second call from the delivery men saying that there might be a problem. They felt that the van might be too tall to successfully navigate the road tunnel that leads to my road. I said that I didn't think there would be a problem as big trucks go up and down the road all the time, and I've never had any problems before and by the way there's currently a rather huge removal van outside my front window.

They said that in that case, they'd have a go. But soon, I got a final call saying that they'd reached the tunnel and that the limit was 12'6" and their truck was 13'0". Too big by four inches. Darn. They offered me the option of driving down to their van to pick the chairs up in my car, but I had to turn this down since I don't have a car. And if I did have a car I wouldn't have been ordering chairs from the internet in the first place. And by the way, I have now wasted an entire morning for no reason at all. And yes, I think it would be a good idea if you did try and deliver them another day in a normal lorry rather than the Space Shuttle Transportation device that they had clearly tried to use today.

So eventually I got to work around midday. Figured I'd better class the morning as holiday which was marginally annoying, but I had used the time to clear most of a big pile of ironing so it wasn't all bad. Every cloud can also be used as an ironing board, as the old saying goes.

Unfortunately I then had to go straight back home because I remembered I'd left my French windows unlocked (I had done this in preparation for the chairs arrival).

There's a moral to this story. It's either:
a) Remember to state that there is a height restriction in that box where you can specify special delivery instructions.
b) YOU DON'T NEED A LORRY THE SIZE OF LUXEMBURG TO DELIVER FOUR CHAIRS.

So I don't have any chairs yet. But I hope to have some one day. Soon. And then, I will eat my food like a poshy and all will be well with the world.

The subject exhibits further doofus behaviour:

So as my first eBay auction draws to a close, giving me a potential net profit of £5.50, I have learnt an important lesson. When the buyer has attempted to give you the money don't get all confused in PayPal and accidentally press the button that means you refuse to accept payment. Doh! Hopefully they'll resend it when they see my apologetic email apologising for me being such a doofus.

1% Inspiration, 99% Rubbish

Since I'm currently labouring under a slight cold, I will stay well away from the screen whilst writing this lest you get my germs. If you were to get the germs, then all I can say is: "Ha! You've got the lurgy". It may not be sympathetic but it reflects a sad truth about modern life. What that truth is, I don't know. I think I may be rambling. That's what can happen when you start to write something and have absolutely no idea what you are writing about or why.

So yet another awards ceremony is looming upon us, and yet again I haven't been nominated for anything at all. Bloody Oscars. They are so obsessed with giving awards to people who've actually made films or starred in films or worked on films. They always forget the little people. I deserve an Oscar just as much as that Scorsese bloke. Really I do.

Incidentally, there is no link between the previous two paragraphs. Ah, sweet inspiration. Where did you go? Maybe I should have just drawn a graph of something.

Quotes. But not real ones. Possibly.

Here are some quotes that I made up:

"As an Englishman, it's my birthright to be miserable. Our misery is like a badge - it's how we identify each other at parties. That, and the inability to stand."
- Winston Churchill

"I am sick to death of those f**king reindeer. Elves! Make me reindeer pie, now!"
- Santa Claus

"I once walked along the Seine and saw a man painting. I said 'Young man - what are you painting?'. He said 'I paint the death of socialism in France'. To me, it looked like a mass of colours and shapes with no real form, but to him it was more than that - it was a foreshadow, a prophecy. He was totally wrong, of course."
- Roger Moore

"I hope one day that I'll be able to leave this job with my head held high. In someone else's hands, with blood running from my severed neck."
- King Charles I

"Right, the next leper comes near me is going to get a right kicking."
- Mother Teresa

Snow way to start a day

It's just started snowing outside. Since I haven't left for work yet, I have the option of taking an umbrella with me. I always feel a bit silly with an umbrella in the snow as it's quite easy to end up with an inch or so of snow covering the umbrella which will inevitably attempt to land on you when you close the thing. It's not snowing heavily though so I think I'll be ok. It may have even started to stop snowing whilst I've been writing this. Hey ho. I've written it now. May as well post it. Happy snow-day everyone!

Espresso making tips

My Espresso machine didn't get much use last year, what with me not drinking any coffee and all. It's not a hugely posh one, but it does the job and can make decent little coffees. Although normally you end up taking more time to clean the thing afterwards than it took to drink the coffee. Sometimes the results from it are better than others, and I've never really determined to my satisfaction exactly what combination of factors makes the perfect Espresso.

As I see it, I can change the following variables:

1. Fineness of ground coffee (since I grind it myself).
2. Amount of coffee put in the little metal thing.
3. Amount of compression applied to coffee when in the little metal thing.
4. Freshness of ground coffee (ie time since grinding).
5. Freshness of water in water compartment.
6. Amount of water in water compartment.

I'm not sure that 4 to 6 actually make much difference, so that leaves me with just the first three things to worry about. And I'm pretty sure that for Espresso, the beans are supposed to be ground quite fine.

So if anyone has any tips to enable to make a fantastic cup every time, please tell me! Do I leave the coffee loosely packed? Do I tightly squish it in? Do I put in as much as I can? Etc? Is there something really obvious that I might have not thought about?

In addition, I have observed that after making the Espresso, sometimes the coffee grounds are quite wet and sometimes they are almost totally dry (and sometimes they are inbetween). Why is this?

Your help is, as always, most appreciated.

Grrr! Darn video games

Bloomin typical. I take the time to actually play through a video game, right to the very end, for the first time in about a year, and it's a bally cliffhanger. Don't know why I bother. Halo 2: You have annoyed me.

Dreams in Disguise

This is quite disturbing. Don't read on unless you want to be disturbed.

Last night, I had a dream. A dream about the giant alien robots that you and I know as Transformers. We were in the jungle, and I'd just had a moment with a girl before she had to leave (but to where?!). Then a load of huge robots turn up and start trashing things. For some reason, whilst the Autobots were all roughly human size, the nasty Decepticons were all huge buggers, towering over the treetops.

Later on, the Decepticons built a barracks. I'm not sure why. And I forget the point of the whole thing. There was some kind of definite narrative thread though.

I'm only telling you this because I know you won't hold it against me. Sleep well.

A dull post about shopping

If you spoke to me this evening, then you may have heard most of this before. Sorry, but to some extent that's unavoidable. I'll try and spice it up with some jokes.

Online supermarket shopping is on the whole great. You don't have to leave the house (great if you have no legs) and they always pack things in lots more plastic bags than you would yourself, which means that you end up in no danger of not having spare bags to put your rubbish in. Today I was using Sainsbury's. Let's see if I liked them or not.

They were supposed to deliver to me between the hours of seven pm and eight pm. If they are outside that time, I get a ten pound voucher to use on my next shop. At around six thirty, a nice man phoned me up to tell me that the van with my order in had packed up, broken and kaputted somewhere on a road. So they were unlikely to be on time. A bit annoying this, as the order contained my dinner for the evening and I was hungry. But at least they'd let me know what was going on.

Are you bored of this yet?

As it got towards nine, I was getting more hungry so decided to do something which I don't do often which is order from Dominos on the internet (just like doing it on the phone, but you don't need to dig out a menu and speak to a real person). They were doing any pizza, any size, £9.99. This of course means you have to order the largest possible size (which is called "large"). Even if you're on your own and don't want a large one. So I ordered a large one. The flavour is unimportant to this story.

As a small aside, they now let you pay online too, with a credit card. This is a bad thing because it means you can order pizza even if you have no cash in the house. The only excuse I sometimes have for not ordering in pizza is taken away from me. End of aside.

So I onlined in my order, and it arrived a bit later. I ate a good proportion of it, but not all of it, and felt a bit full. Darn large pizzas. Then eventually my shopping arrived too. And I got my ten pound voucher.

So, since I was not planning on going out tonight, essentially what has happened is thst Mr Sainsbury has delivered my shopping to me at my flat and bought me a free large pizza for my tea to boot. Plus I got lots of new plastic bags. It is hard to feel too let down by this.

Since we're back on the subject of plastic bags - I had one bag this evening which contained one pint of milk and nothing else. That is not efficient packing.

That is all I have to say about this exciting online shopping story. I hope you've enjoyed it. I think I forgot the jokes I promised. Sorry. Please call again.

Amsterdam

Perhaps around ten years ago there was a band called Pele, who had quite a few great songs - Megalomaina and Fat Black Heart spring to mind. Then they went away, I got older and they were consigned to the dustbin of rock history.

Last year (or maybe the one before?), I was listening to the late, lamented, John Peel and he played a fantastic track from a band called Amsterdam called Does this train stop on Merseyside. Upon investigating this band, it transpired that their lead singer was none other than the chap who used to be the singer in Pele. Cool! thinks I.

So some more time passes, and eventually Amsterdam (from Liverpool rather than Dutchland) come here to York to play Fibbers. And they're great. Upbeat poppy-rock songs and a small but enthusiastic crowd. When they played the song I remembered from Peel (which they dedicated to the man himself), it near brought tears to my eyes, as I had forgotten where it was I'd originally heard the band.

A strange thing: Of all the songs they played tonight, by far the weakest seemed to be their first proper single that's out on Monday. Go figure.

A decent night then. Though the first band on were perhaps one of the worst bands I've ever seen.

I believe Amsterdam are playing in Glasgow tomorrow (Thursday) night. If any of you happen to be in the area then why not risk a couple of quid and check them out? You might just have a good time.

Wouldn't this be cool...

Anyone with an iPod probably enjoys listening to it on random from time to time, or maybe even all the time. If nothing else, it removes all that worry that having to actually choose tracks causes. But even a top of the range 60Gb version only holds around 15000 songs. This is quite a lot less that the million (ish) available from the iTunes music store. I had an idea.

To download a tune normally costs 79p. Wouldn't it be cool, if for say 20p, you could get iTunes to download you a completely random song? The odds of it being one you already own are pretty low, probably a lot less than 1% for most people. You'd have no idea what you were going to get - rock, hip-hop, jazz, opera, jazz-hip-hop-rock-opera, anything!

It'd be like putting your money into one of those little toy dispensers where you get a little toy in a plastic ball. But with tunes.

And maybe every thousandth random download could be special - a whole album or something.

Apple, if you're listening, you know this is a great idea. Feel free to implement it and maybe give me 1p from each random download. Sound cool? Apple? Hello???

Olympic Bid, 2012 (*)

It's a shame that only cities are allowed to make bids to hold the olympics. Individuals should be allowed to make bids too. I have every reason to believe that I, for example, could hold the 2012 Olympic games in my flat, here in York. The sporting facilities I have here are first class, world class, top class and the envy of all my neighbours. And their neighbours too.

It would be just as good here as say, London. Let's consider the facts:

1. Transport in London is a right pain. The roads are congested and the Underground system is busy enough at the moment as it is. Imagine how much worse things would be with the Olympics going on! My flat on the other hand is normally devoid of all traffic. The transport system is highly efficient - for example, to get from the living room to the bedroom, you open a door, go down the hallway, open another door and you're there. And you don't even have to pay! It's the easiest commute in the world.

2. After you've been to see sport in London, you may want to go for a drink. But how busy are the bars? Madness! You can queue for hours just to get a pint. In my flat this will not be a problem. Simply enter the kitchen, grab a beer from the fridge and then sit around and relax in a comfortable atmosphere with good music and good company (ie me). You are also guaranteed to not receive your change on a little metal plate. You may not even have to pay if I like you!

3. Normally TV coverage costs millions of pounds for the TV companies to set up and run. All that expense of cameramen, TV rights, vans and satellites. None of that would be an issue here! I am willing to take a couple of days off work and film everything on my digital camera. I can then download it to the laptop, and send it all over the world, instantly, on the InterWeb! Yes, I would do this for the world!

And that's just for starters. But I know what you're thinking. You're sold that I can offer the transport and the hospitality, but what are my sporting facilities like? They're great! Here's what I can offer:

Swimming: My bath is nearly a metre and a half long, and can be filled to a depth of nearly 18 inches. This compares well to most so called "Olympic Size" swimming pools. I can also offer warmer water than most other pools, though I would obviously do an "elbow test" before allowing athletes to enter the water. Safety first!

Athletics: The ideal place for most of the events will be the living room. The many square feet of space available will be fine for any of the standard events (eg 100m, Javelin or Triple Jump). There will be two exceptions here: the Marathon will likely need to extend into the hallway, due to the exceptional length of this race, and the Triathalon will need to make use of the swimming facilities in either the bathroom or the kitchen (if the bathroom is in use).

Gymnastics: The obvious location for this is the bedroom - the bed will make an excellent soft thing to land on, should one of the short, weirdly stunted, gymnasts fall to the floor in error. I think it would be possible to hang Rings from the ceiling, and a Horse could be installed by the wardrobe. The wardrobe itself would make an excellent spectator area, though I may have to clear out some boxes first.

Team Based Events Like Football: In the car park, obviously.

There are a lot of other events at the Olympics, but I hope that this gives an indication of how I could easily fit in most of the main events. I'm sure that some of the other locals might be persuaded to lend the use of their hallways too if required. I will say though, that if I'm honest, I haven't worked out where I'd hold the horse events.

The final thing I have to offer is a fine Olympic Village. I envisage that this could be set up in my spare room for minimal expense. And if the athletes asked nicely, I would even be willing to turn on the heating.

So I hope I've convinced you of my worth and ability in this matter. If you'd like to support my bid, then please email that Olympic Committee thing. Though I couldn't find their email address. It's like they're avoiding me...


* Please note that this bid is subject to me being allowed to shrink all the athletes to a tiny size using some equipment from the film Inner Space that I bought on eBay. It won't hurt them much.